Christmas Grocery Shopping

Turkey, ham, potatoes, corn, green beans, cool whip, mini marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate chips, holiday pretzels, caffeine free mountain dew, frozen blueberries...... and about a million other things--whew! what a day of grocery shopping. Fun.

Mom and I took in the sights of downtown B-town first however. Coffee/book shop, lady's clothing store, eclectic (read as expensive) home decor, an odd little toy shop, Hallmark, a quirky pet store and just when I was starting to wonder about our sanity---a really cool european style cafe Homemade seafood bisque and 1/2 an egg salad sandwich. MMMM--gave me energy for the grocery shopping in the afternoon!

A good day all around.

I HAVE A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!

I am now officially a job coach for Northeast Contemporary Services, Inc (NCSI--no jokes from the NCIS fans out there!) I start on Friday January 4th at 8:30 A.M.

My responsibilities will be varied--assisting consumers with work, in house or in communinity; teaching social skills, rec skills, and cooking skills classes; assisting other job coaches and staff in other skills classes and larger projects.

I am soooo excited!!!!!! Pay is decent, Benefits are inclusive and included at no additional cost to me. 3 weeks paid time off the first year, one day more each year I work to a maximum of 5 weeks! And the possibility of going back to school and getting some of it paid for.

Mental Map II--Hope

So here it is--Mental Map II--Hope.

Hope--wish, dream, want, desire, faith, feeling, joy,

Wish=something wanted, but not expected, Christmas, desire

Dream= unconscious longing,

Want=desire, something not needed,

Desire=longing, needing

Faith--belief, brings joy, something to be desired

Feeling--something intangible, helps us to be whole

Joy--see previous post!

Mental Maps--Joy

So I was talking with a friend and describing a process/idea session that Lydia reccomended for me to use with words like Joy and Happiness. So I thought I would redo the one on Joy here and then try a few new ones--Dreams and Hope.

JOY

contentment, peace, joy in the journey, Mamma, calm.

contentment= accepting what you have/are, a lack of envy, a feeling of well being

peace=a lack of strife, feeling of satisfaction, dove, white snow, quiet

Joy in the journey= process, never still, changing, always new

Mamma=steadfast, peaceful, calm, content, open with others, knew herself

Calm--peaceful, still, quiet, not chaotic,

Satisfaction=acceptence of self, acceptence of life, a full feeling.

Dove--a quiet, sad kind of sounding bird, bird representing hope,



This is a bit hard to do in a blog form--it's usually done as a word web--with connection lines between things and much more visual....but getting some of the word down is nice. Hopes and dreams to come soon....

The Archbishop's visit

Wow! What a church service. I left Church today feeling soooo energized! The Archbishop here is a saintly old gentleman who gave a beautiful homily. Comparing the temple in Jeruselem with our church. One of the things he stressed was the fact that David bought the land for the Temple. It was offered as a gift, but David refused saying that he could not offer a gift to God that cost him nothing. That gifts imply sacrifice and cost. And that we who are now receiving blessing from others sacrifice should be willing to offer our time, effort, tithe and talent to continuing that blessing. His other quote was that without our being willing to offer sacrifice that comes with a cost, we can not find the joy and peace God is trying to give us. Seems to be a theme that has come up a couple of times (parish mission, Curt, a sermon tape from mom) and in a few ways for me lately.

One was and is just a financial way. At exactly the same time that I have made a commitment to start tithing and getting my financial house back in order--I find that I have been declared as "healthy" again by the insurance company, so no more disability payments. (Thank God I already moved in with my parents!) But at the same time, I suddenly have some other job opportunities open up. So what I thought to be a small sacrifice is becoming a bigger one. But, at the same time, I am finding both joy and peace at the thought of a new job.

Interview? Why I'm I worried? I've done this...

a million times before--that is why I am worried. I am starting to feel like no one wants me. :( I know it is just a matter of time and finding the right fit. But--it's frustrating too. I mean I want to find a job that I enjoy, one that I feel like I'm helping people. But I need it to pay enough that I can live off it too. So--I have an interview today--not the "perfect job" but one I think I could enjoy. I have an information packet coming regarding another job and I have better feelings about that. So now--I just have to work on showing these folks what I can do. Curt reminded me that this is something I wanted to do when I first moved up here--and I do have many fond memories of my time in the school system working with the disabled. I love their ability to live in the now and to put all they have into the things they do. So here goes....Let the interviews start!

Weekend woes

OK--so it was just Sunday blahs. Saturday started out as a really good day. Started with a nice visit with Curt. Mom came with me so I even got a short (15 minute) nap in the car. Went to Mass, out to dinner with a friend (Bob) and his wife, then out for dessert with Dave.

So Sunday.....

Started OK--got up, got going on my day, Mom and Dad went to church, I got some things unpacked. They came home and mom had thought of another place to go look for some things for the bathroom. So after a trip to Loew's we go out to eat at a new place (Guadalajurara's in Monticello--OK, but not great) then to Target, then home. So far--a bit annoyed as I had told mom I wanted to stay home and get all my stuff unpacked as I have another busy few days ahead of me and wanted to spend most of yesterday on this. (it's now 2:30) Home we go and Dad has to do some work from last week as he spent most of Thursday afternoon on my car troubles. So I should have had time, right? Wrong. Mom needed help with Christmas stuff, then she want to talk about what I am doing, then she wants to ask about a dozen questions, not giving me time to answer any of them. It's now almost 4 and I've accomplished nothing since 11 am.

When mom follows me into my bedroom and starts taking things out of my closet--I loose it. No, no screaming match, no swearing, not even a raised voice. Just "Mom--Let me deal with that later OK? I can get my own dirty clothes into the laundry room". To which she replies "well if you need to tell me to leave just say don't go away mad, just go away." and walks out of my room.

No, I chose not to follow her. This is a lesson she does need to learn--that I do need some space. And talking to her about it hasn't worked. So maybe--feeling like she was thrown out will. Except that now I feel like a heel. I mean after all my folks have been doing for me.... but I am an adult and I need to have someplace I can retreat to without being followed. I need a place to call my own. And I need a place that has nothing of mom's in it. I took my dirty clothes and empty hangers to the laundry room this morning as I said I would do. So I am hoping maybe we have a bit of an agreement on that.

Now if I can get mom and dad to get that a closed door means--Knock, wait and when I say come in, then open the door.....

Parish Mission 4th and final night

This was actually a kind of mini-Mass. Only the Old Testament reading and the Gospel, shortened prayers, but longer homily. The night's focus--community.

His thoughts--technology is destroying community a bit at a time. Hard to stop this, but we should be trying. His answers--the small things--go into your bank instead of using the ATM. Use a regular checkout line in the store instead of the self check out. Pay for your gas inside. Why? It is in the everyday human interactions we build community. Park your car outside in the summer. Take walks in your neighborhood. Stop and talk to the lady planting flowers. Stop and chat with the kid playing ball. Offer to pitch a few. Invite the neighbors over for a meal. Send food if someone is sick or a family member has died.

I had an experience of this yesterday at work. A young woman came in. She's been here before--always short on cash--always wanting coffee. Yesterday was no exception. A dime short and I said--no problem--I'll cover it. Small enough thing--I had already made $4 or $5 in tips. But she starts crying. I come around the counter to give her a hug. She says "you don't know how much this means--I am moving to my sister's this week as my boyfriend is going to jail, and six months ago today my mom died so I've just been really depressed. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I just don't know what I will do."

So I say "you'll take life one day at a time--Trust me on this--I know. How long is your boyfriend going to be gone?"

One year--so short a time to me and so long to her. So I tell her. Not all, but enough so she knows I get it. We talk about the practical stuff--getting on visitation lists, getting him a bit of cash now and then so he can buy the practical stuff to make the next year bearable. Getting him into programming quickly. Finding out if he qualifies for work release or job training or anything. Doing all of it soon. The realities of visits. That they will hurt sometimes--take someone with you the first time. So you don't drive home alone.

All this because I chipped in 10 cents for a cup of coffee. Amazing how fast those interactions can take place and how small they can seem to some and how important to others.

OK--back to the mission. :) Combined choirs--both bell choirs and both singing choirs--wow--the sound was impressive. I think we are doing this again for the Bishops visit a week from Sunday. Should be neat.

And we did prayers of the faithful the old more Evangelical way--people with requests standing up and voicing them, with us all answering Lord hear our prayers. So neat. I've become so excited about church again after so long of not feeling like this. I am so grateful for being led to this church.

Now comes the hard part of church--I am starting to get to know people well enough for them to ask about Curt. Where do I go with this and what do I say? I am praying for wisdom and peace about my decisions here. So far--we are separated for now is all I've said. But people see I am still wearing my wedding ring. (along with 3 or 4 others usually). It almost came last night. But I kind of chose to not go there. Decided I was too tired and too emotional (hormonal?--probably time for my period) to really say anything about this right now.

But this has been a good week for me, for my family and my church.

Tuesday night--Parish mission day 3

Theme--Reconciliation

So this resonated with me in ways I was surprised at. Amazingly a group confession time actually brought more tears than an individual time I had a few weeks ago. It was really touching. The leader had us all bow our heads and just listen to his voice as he put himself into the shoes of people who had come to him individually over the years--he would talk about doing wrong things and hurting a spouse, or a parent, or a child. And of course all of us sitting there fit at least one of those. He moved on into community--the church, the school, the neighborhood, our workplaces. I don't think there were may dry eyes--mine weren't and neither were Fr. Tom's.

Oddly enough, my mom came with me. Odd because, well, she has been in a Catholic church all of twice in the past 15 years that I have been Catholic (once was my wedding--2nd was a funeral for someone Dad worked with.) She was surprised at how much the priest said from the Bible--including a quote on the letters B I B L E that her pastor from Illinois used. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth). So maybe she will understand it is not so scary now. :)

Highlights--the story of St. Maximillian Kolbe-a priest who died at Auschwitz. He stepped forward out of ranks to ask for the favor of dying in another's place. And was granted that request. 10 people were put into a metal box that day and left there to die with no food, no water, no way to move, having to lay on top of one another--without clothing, in their own urine and excrement. When the box was opened a week later--Fr. Kolbe was still alive and trying to sing a psalm of praise to God. When he was beatified in 1978, the young American Sargent whose place he had taken was there along with his 3 children and many grandchildren.

And the humanness of Peter--how Peter, just like most of us, would go from high to low--from saying You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God to saying I do not know the man. From saying It is good we can see your glory to falling asleep while Jesus prayed. From walking out to Jesus on the water, to trying to stop Jesus from going to Jeruselem and being rebuked by Jesus saying "get thee behind me Satan". So if such a man can be used by God as a foundation stone of His church--God can use us all.

And the things that keep us from being used and from living life in the joyous now that God wants us to live--Regret, hate, anger, retribution, jealousy, greed.

Fr. Tom told a story I've heard before, but was happy to hear again as it is no less true. A Native American Grandfather was telling a story about the two wolves who live inside every person. One is full of hate, anger, jealousy, regrets, greed, pain. The other is full of Love, joy, peace, freedom. They constantly battle for the top place in our life. One of the young men listening asks--"Which one wins?" And the grandfather answers- "Whichever one you feed".

Parish Mission--Monday night

So Monday's theme was our baptism and Jesus' saving grace. We had a renewal of baptism promises (which for me are actually confirmation promises as no promises were made at my Baptism and no questions were asked of me.) I always like this--it feels so communal to have a large group of people answering together "We do believe" :)

Thoughts from Monday:

There is no sin so great that Jesus' blood doesn't cover it completely.

While yes--just being Baptized doesn't mean automatic entry to Heaven, it is the starting point in our journey. We all have starting points--some earlier, some later, and some at the last minute. But we all must start somewhere.

Life is a journey--we think about travel when we go on vacation and don't want to miss a thing. We need to think of life in the same way--a journey that we shouldn't be missing out on. Living in the past and worrying about things we have done wrong or living in the future and thinking only of those things to come means we forget to live in the now. And Now is when we can be present with God. We can't be present with God in the past or future--while he is there, we are not. But the now is where we can meet him.

The Parish Mission

So yesterday was the start of the Parish Mission. What is a Parish Mission you ask? A Catholic revival service! Start with some music, go to some prayers, and then about an hour or so of preaching. Finish with prayer and music again. Oh-but no fire and brimstone. :)

Last night's topic was God is love. We even chanted it aloud together. Maybe 200-300 people there. Good sound. And Fr. T is a compelling speaker. So some thoughts he shared that I am now musing on.

"You will never be closer to God than you are right now" --More on this in a minute.

"We all judge other people--but why? That is the important question as it reveals a need in our lives."

"We all have addictions. To live and be human is to be addicted to something. Addictive behavior is the one universal human condition."

"There is a statue of limitations on the blaming of parents for your life's problems." --this said to an 81 year old woman who was blaming her mom for why she was addicted to alcohol.

"The only way to experience God's grace is to keep our addictions in front of us at all times. This keeps us humble and open to God's love, mercy and grace in our lives"

"For most people, before they can allow God's love to truly touch their lives and change them, they must be humbled before others. This maybe very public or just a few close friends and family, but God will get our attention to show us his love."



So the quote at the top--"you will never be closer to God than you are right now." Kind of scared me a bit. As I am not feeling all that close to Him. But Fr. T went on to explain. We say and believe the Holy Spirit (God) lives in us. That God is everywhere. That God is closer to us than the marrow of our bones. So why do we say we need to get closer to God? That is as close as we can get us living breathing human beings. We need to be more aware of God, yes. But God is already as close as He can be.

OK--I get that--kind of..I think that is the topic of tonight--how to be aware of God in our lives. Followed by Reconciliation on Tuesday and Eucharist on Wednesday.

Choir sings again on Wednesday-but I plan to go all week. Some of the topics seem to hit close to where I am calling home these days. Like the judgment quote. I have been doing a fair amount of that with my parents. So why am I so judgmental of them? Still pondering that one. And what need in my life will that reveal?

And the being humbled before others--I get that one way too well. So here I am God--show me your love.

What a Week!

So it has been just over a week since my last post....why? The MOVE of course! All finished now--except the unpacking part--but then--I am not unpacking much. The musical instruments, the oil lamps, maybe the angels. that will be about it. Not a lot of room and honestly--I don't think my parents could handle a lot of the more---esoteric? of my possessions. ;) Thanks to Dave for all his help. Don't think I would have survived the move with you!

More will come now as I get the computer up and running at home (M & D) and hopefully have a bit of time here and there to myself. (although I think I will have to insist a bit on this with Mom--she seems to think if I am awake and at her house we should be together...:( I'll just remind her of Mamma and her desires to be alone sometimes. That will work! Mamma is still helping me out of tight spots even though she hasn't been with us for 4 years now. Which is hard for me to believe--seems like just yesterday I was calling her once or twice a week)

OK that was a bit on the sad side and I hate ending things like that--so a positive! I found the beads for a couple of custom rosaries I am making as well as a couple of new ones either for the store or for Christmas gifts (I am thinking of making one for my Mother-in-Law, a sister-in-law, and maybe a brother in law as well--we'll see.)

More unpacking today and then--maybe the computer?

grace and Sactifying Grace

So I went to visit with Curt yesterday. He has been reading a book on Catholic theology. So far he has 80 pages of notes on a 245 page book--he still has 3 chapters to read! But his latest readings were on the difference between grace (with a small g) and Sanctifying Grace (capital S capital G). Which I was clueless on, so I asked for an explanation.

What it appears to boil down to is grace is the tug of God that we feel as sinful people who know something is missing in our lives. It can occur to people who have not had church experience as an emptiness that they don't know how to fill. It can occur to people who have gone to church all their lives, but never had God touch them in a personal way. But at this point--it is a free gift God has given to every human being conceived in sin. We all, regardless of place, time, nationality or creed will feel this grace.

Sanctifying Grace is also a gift of God, but it requires our input too. This is what occurs after we make a conscious decision to follow God, to turn from sin, to become a believer. It is this SG that allows God to look at us and not see our sin and faults, but see Jesus' sacrifice in our place. Can we lose SG? Yes we can. When we make those decisions to turn away from God and sin against him. (in the big stuff--not the little stuff :) )

But---the small g grace--God will not take away--it is his gift to all mankind--including the sinning Christian--to remind us of where we need to be. And as a sinning Christian--who has already experienced both the original grace of God and knows what it feels like as well as having experienced and knowing how good SG is...we should be that much quicker to respond.

At least--that is what I could get of it. Filtered through Curts understanding. I think I want to read that book.

Faith, risk, trust, and confidence

So I've been reading a bit about a friend's struggle with faith. And remembering a bit of my own both from years ago and a bit more recently. And a lot of what has been said echoes my own experience. That for faith to really grow and expand--it must involve risk. The beginnings of belief are simple and childlike. A simple trust in a loving God. An understanding of the sacrifice of Jesus. Concepts children can get. Things we can have confidence in.

But we should grow from there. Otherwise we are stuck as little children in faith when our understanding of our world has grown. And this produces problems. For me--it produced them early on--my childhood was brief--I grew up fast both in knowledge of the world and in faith. And the simple childlike faith that worked at 7, didn't by the time I was 10. By 18--I was having a crisis of --well not exactly faith, but of the expression of faith.


My faith journey was just that--a journey. I needed a more adult, more mature way to express a faith I had for many years. And I found that in the Catholic church. I found a way to reconcile the need for faith and confidence in God with the feelings I had inside about what history was and is and what spirituality should be.

For Curt--this didn't occur until he was in his late 20s. He is just now finding his way out from going to risk taking as a way of life to make up for his lack of faith and confidence not only in God, but in himself as well. When he experienced his own crisis--he didn't talk about it, didn't find his answers in faith, but instead chose to make risky decisions--decisions about our finances, our lives, our love. Which I am starting to get--but it's hard.


Back to the friend (not Curt) who is also going through a faith journey. He is talking about a change in churches similar to my own. And is coming in different ways to many of the same conclusions I did. :) I hope he can find the same confidence in his decision as I did in mine.

Getting there

is 1/2 the fun? Whoever said that was not speaking of moving! But I actually am, in an odd way, enjoying this. Not the packing, or the physical labor of it, but the realization again of how many friends and family members I have who I can count on to be there for me. I am so blessed and fortunate. I am not sure how to thank them all--but I will work on finding some way. Meanwhile--to those who read this--Thank you!!!!!!

Feeling better about the move

So yesterday I went to visit Curt with my mom. It was a nice visit. Then dropped off mom, went to church to sing with the choir and was not planning on going back out to the parents house, but had a rather huge attack of "homesickness" I guess would be the right word. Just suddenly felt like I needed to be near mom and dad. Have not felt that way since college. But I've been a bit--well--weepy recently and I guess feeling a bit like a little girl helps. No, I don't plan on staying as little girl forever--actually already back to feeling grown up today, but last night--I think it was watching all the couples, kids and parents in church. I just felt a bit--lonely. So that is ok--I can handle being at my parents house and still be an adult most of the time--but when I need it--like last night--I think I will be OK with being their little girl again. Hugs, ice cream, scrabble, and soothing. Yep--didn't take much to make me feel like a new person again! Ready to face the world. At least my small corner of it.

Joining the Church, starting to make new friends

So it feels really strange to me. Tuesday afternoon I went to St. R. to talk with the pastoral care director about joining the church. I didn't want to really get into everything with Curt. So I left the line about martial status blank, filled out the rest of the card, and handed it back. she looked at it for a minute and said--"There is no shame here if you are divorced or separated--We see this often and we want to be here for you." OOF. So I said, "Well, we are separated. Which is the truth as far as it goes. It was just easier than explaining exactly why we are separated. She asked if there was hope of a reconciliation, and I said yes, I was beginning to see hope for that...also true. I would guess at some point later down the road--much later--I may go back and explain more. But for now--Marie gave me a book on separation and the feelings that go with it--WOW do they describe me the past year to a tee! And a prayer shawl. She said " The ladies that make these never know who we will give them to, but they pray while they knit or crochet for spiritual, physical and emotional strength for the recipient of each shawl. And anyone who has been separated from a spouse, needs strength." I like her. Nice.

It felt even a bit odder at choir--we had treats afterward and that was nice. Talk to a few of the ladies and felt good about it. Talked with the director, D, about the reason I haven't sung in so long--too busy as an interpreter! She asked if I might be willing to sign some songs sometimes. And I said "Of course!--I love to sign." Then the dreaded question "why aren't you signing now?" Because arthritis makes the joints wayyyy to stiff and painful to do more than maybe 1/2hr to an hr at a time--not a good thing for an interpreter. But it felt so nice to start meeting a few people and putting some names and faces together.

How fast can I move?

No I am not talking about speed races, but rather how quickly can I get all my things packed and out of the house I've been renting part of and into my parents or Lisa's house? Things just kind of keep getting worse and weirder there. I'm having a hard time getting in. :( . The landlord broke the lock we both have a key for about 2 weeks ago and still hasn't fixed it. He has taken to locking the door with a lock I don't have a key for. So I am locked out until he is around. And he makes me uncomfortable. I really don't like being there alone with him, I want to be able to get my things and start moving, but this makes it really hard. So I'll call D or another male friend tonight and see if they can go with me to retrieve the dogs and cat. And all the clothes I can fit into a car. Then hopefully I can get everything else in just a few trips. Thankfully not a lot unpacked. I guess I knew that this would not last. But it was a good stop on the way.

I hate being sick!!!!

So I woke up on Friday with a fever (103) chills, sore throught, and achey. Great-flu or strep. Called into work. Went back to bed. Woke occasionally to get hot tea or water--slept a lot. Occasionally checked e-mail (i've applied for a couple more full time positions--we'll see what happens next)

Slept all night on Friday, got up way later than I had planned on Saturday, but still got the car mostly cleaned out. Did some errands and went to mass at 4:30. I really like St. R's-the atmosphere, the people, the priest. Today's mass was on giving thanks--old testament story of Naaman, gospel of the 10 lepers. And even though a good enough homily could be made on the need to be thankful (which we all need to do more of) Fr. made sure to remind us that both Naaman and the thankful healed lepers were strangers to the Lord's table and that God didn't turn them away. Reminding us again that we can't turn others away just because they are not like us. Have I mentioned I really like this priest?

He gave a story about an RCIA candadate that during her prayers at night always counted down a "top ten" list of things to be thankful for. Reminded me of the year our youth group kept prayer journals--Used the ACTS acronym for it-

A--adoration

C--contemplation (This was the original--it was changed to something else--can't remember what--as I didn't think it needed to be changed! )

T--thanksgiving

S--supplication

We were supposed to make sure we had more things in our ACT than in our S.

One of the few times I didn't mind keeping a journal. Otherwise--I kind of hate it. But this one is needed. Just to get thing down and in some kind of order will be priceless.

My next few busy days!

So yesterday I went with Dave and Annie and got the car from lehmans. Work this morning, followed by some errands that I have been putting off as trying to get around on a bus is a bit...difficult. I mean if I had set up things like bank accounts and such thinking ahead to not being as mobile--it wouldn't be so hard, but as I did not think that way....

So thankful for D and A. They have not let me pay anything on the car. Annie's comment was that it will need enough repairs once you officially own it--don't worry about these--this is just fixing my problems before passing it on.

I hope to even get some things out to mom and dad's this evening. That would really make my day.

Then on Friday--work in the morning, artist reception at the store at 5pm and in between--helping Lisa with getting food and such ready for the artist reception.

Saturday--work in the morning, pack a bit in the afternoon, mass at 4:30 and class at 6pm. Home exhuasted at 10 or so.

Sunday--a friend, Tom is coming to visit Curt with me! Yeah!!!! I don't have to spend the 2 1/2 hours alone and Tom will help with gas too. This is such a wonderful thing.

Sunday night or Monday I'll be staying with mom (dad will be out of town) But that is ok--should go well.

So if I don't update this in the next few days.....I am just too darned busy!

My new (at least to me) car!

So I was off on the kind of car--It's a Sonata, not an Elantra. It is still silver and still has lower mileage. And still doesn't need a ton of work--but the shop had a hard time figuring out what was wrong with the breaks. It was the front calipers. Somehow I think my friends are not going to let me pay for fixing it. Tonight we retreive the car from Sears and take it to Lehmans to look at the fan for the heater/AC. It would appear to be a fuse issue, so hopefully not a lot of repair needed there either. We'll see.

I am so excited!!!!! Can't wait to drive again!!!!

Rainy days and Mondays....

don't usually get me down, but today.....

Started way too early (4:00am) to catch a bus by 4:30 to get to work by 6:30 to find that I didn't have keys to get in. Several hours, a ride with a customer and Lisa's mom coming with keys later, Work!

My weekend however--Fantastic!

Friday was able to borrow Lisa's van to see Curt! Yeah!!! Thought I wouldn't see him until this Sunday at the earliest so that was great!

Saturday--Family day. With my sister, brother-in-law and 2 nieces and a nephew as well as my mom and dad. Dinner at Red Lobster--Crab legs--YUM! And coconut cake decorated by S1 and S2 (nephew and niece).

Sunday-- Took the bus to Lisa's shop to borrow her van to go to Mass as the choir I'm in was singing. Bus was delayed 3 times due to Marathon. :( Started wondering if I was going to make it. Did, with only 15 minutes to spare before Mass. But it was nice. Loved a quote Fr. used by St. Francis--We should preach Christ constantly and if we have to even use words. I love it! Let your actions and attitude show what Christianity should be. Yep--I think that is the best type of evangelism yet.

Then went back to work for a few hours, during which Dave brought me lunch and roses. A gift from Curt. Dave had talked to Curt and worked it all out to get the flowers to me. I am such a blessed person. I keep crying when I see them. I feel so odd. So happy and sad at the same time--sometimes I think it is just not quite real. All that has happened. All that will continue to happen. But there it is. Flowers--from Curt, via Dave and all I can do is cry.

Enough! Time to go and get back to work.

So Tonight--It's the parents

How do you tell the two people in the world who you have always admired and looked up to that you have lied to them for months because you haven't wanted them to feel ashamed of you?

And How do you tell them that you are in financial crisis--that you really don't want their help (not because you don't need it, but because you want to be an adult about this, really).

How do you do all of this, while having problems with your emotional state, caused by everything happening around you, not to mention that a part of you is screaming to let them be the parents to their little girl all over again?

If anyone out there has any answers, I would be happy to accept help at this!

On a positive note, Annie has offered me her 2nd car as my own car! Needs new breaks, a tune up and may need a bit of other upkeep work (oil change etc) But it is a 2002 Hyundai Elantra. And except for the the things listed above--FREE!

YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Monday, Monday

So it is Monday.

A few more people told about my situation. Offers of help starting to come in. A longish talk with Curt, telling him all that was happening and some of the offers up to now. His perspective is always unique. His comment was--"blame me as needed! It 's not like I have any dignity left. Heck I have to strip, bend over and expose myself to another person just to go to church!"

Lydia (my psychologist) comment was "It sounds like you are at a diametric moment" OK--I know what diametric means, but how does one have a diametric moment? Like this " It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." Strangely--life can easily be both at the same time. Diametric moments. OK--I can see that.

Trying to decide how much contact to mantain with a friend who is going through his own hard time. Thought of several things I would like to share on the one hand, but on the other--wanting to respect his need to pull into himself. Guess I'll just wait and see. Maybe write down some of those thoughts for later sharing, or use as starters for this blog. We'll see.

Many more people will know what is happening after tonight. Should be interesting to see what will happen then. More Diametric moments I am sure.

Why Minuet? Why Musings? Why Now?

Minuet Means

1. A slow, stately pattern dance in 3/4 time for groups of couples, originating in 17th-century France.
2. The music for or in the rhythm of the minuet.
3. A movement in 3/4 time that is usually the third, but sometimes the second, of a four-movement symphony or string quartet.

"slow dance in triple measure," 1673, from Fr. menuet, from O.Fr. menuet (adj.) "small, delicate," from menu "small," from L. minutus "small, minute." So called from the short steps taken in the dance.


Musings means

–verb (used without object)

1.	to think or meditate in silence, as on some subject.

2.	Archaic. to gaze meditatively or wonderingly.

–verb (used with object)

3.	to meditate on.

4.	to comment thoughtfully or ruminate upon.

---

[Origin: 1300–50; ME musen to mutter, gaze meditatively on, be astonished <>muser, perh. ult. deriv. of ML mūsum muzzle]

And at the moment--Small, slow thoughts are about all I can manage.

Why Now?

Well--

I have hit an all time low in my life. I realized last night I have not been complete honest with anyone in my life. Not my family, not my closest friends, not my outer circle of friends, not even my psychologist, Lydia.

So now, about a week before my birthday, I am realizing I need help. With a capital H. And I don't really know how to ask for it or accept it. I know many people have offered. Financial help, emotional help, spiritual help, physical help. And I have turned so many of them down.

Why? I wish there was an easy answer. If there was, maybe I could overcome this sense of dread I feel when I know I need to ask for help, and just can't. I really need help right now. And I know it. But I feel like, if I start asking for help, I may never be able to be an independent, competent person again. I'll always feel indebted to others.

I can't explain why feeling independent is so important to me. I have always been considered the strong one, the competent one, the one able to do more, be more. I feel like if I don't live up to these expectations that I will lose who I am. Maybe I don't really know who I am.

I'd like to think that my closest friends know who it is I could be. But I know I shouldn't rely on their image to figure this one out. I know that at one time years ago, I was always the person I think of myself as. Recently--very very few people get to see that person. I started singing last night a musical I was in when I was in about the 5th or 6th grade. There were two solos in it. The lead boy character (a young boy from Jeruselem who was horribly disfigured) sings one. and the lead female character (yes, I played her) his mother who has ignored him because of this sings the other one. They are "The Real Me" and "Heavenly Father, Please Forgive."

Words for the songs (As I remember them)

The Real Me

The real me, the real me, the one that God designs. His priceless creation, not someone I must hide. Not the me I want to be, not the me my friends can see. God looks inside and sees the real me.

Heavenly Father, Please Forgive

Lord of Earth, Lord of Heaven, Gentle Father, please forgive. Asking for your tender mercy, Heavenly Father, please forgive. Take me in your presence, Father. Let me see your light and love. You who are so good and holy, Heavenly Father, please forgive.

Those were my prayers over and over as I sat in the adoration chapel at church last night. Who is the "Real Me" that God is designing here and Heavenly Father, please forgive.

Strangely enough, there are maybe 4 or 5 people in the world who even have a inkling of who that person God is designing is and can be. And I fear that those who don't already know, how much I have lied will not want to be near me. I am afraid they will never trust me enough to stick with me. So if I decide to let you all read this, Annie, Bob, Curt, Dave, Lisa, I am sorry. I hope you know that you are the five people in this world closest to my heart and soul.

And I am truly sorry