Merry Christmas And Happy New Year!

Hello all!

I am alive and well. And finally starting to feel much, much better. :) I am smiling more than I have in years, and truly feel that this will be a Merry Christmas for me at last! It's been about 4 years or so since I have felt that way, so I'm really feeling good about it.

I went to church with Mom and Dad this past weekend and overall enjoyed the service. The pastor was preaching on the Christmas story and did a nice job of comparing the Magi and the shepherds to us today. How some are seeking and some are just going about their daily lives. Some are wealthy and influential and some are poor and not respected.

I found it a bit ironic that in two thousand years....somethings never change. The wealthy and influential...can still take time off to go on trips, while the poor and downtrodden must work all through the holiday season. :)

I am looking forward to visiting with some friends this Christmas, going to Midnight Mass (the first I've attended without being a part of it!) and just relaxing some. Guess this year that makes me one of the wealthy and influential who can take time off! I hope that soon, taking time out to relax will be replaced by just being more relaxed, the way I was many years ago. And I am starting to believe....


It will be a Happy New Year!

what went wrong with curt and i

It has been suggested that I write this out. :( I'm not sure if I want to, but it will probably be good for me. I think I'll use the list from the last post to kind of talk my way through this post as a way of organizing my thoughts.

They always put their needs before yours. Gee...let me see...4 no 5 affairs, more time spent waiting for him to pick me up due to his activities being more important than my time than I care to think about, his swords/art/guitars needing to be up on the walls where people could see them regardless of what others thought, while my things went up if we had room. Feels like it's not so important, but 14 years of this every day, even now, when he wants me to do things for him, even when I am so busy I don't have time to write in this or do what I want...

You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them. Yeah...kind of self explainatory. And no, it was not Curt's temper I feared. He could ususally manage that. Although hearing him say under his breath "Dad said it was never ok to hit a woman", did give me pause sometimes. Mostly though, it was his sulks. He would go into a funk anytime he didn't get his way. And life would just be miserable around him. Still can be.

They never take responsibility for hurting others; again, a bit... obvious? But even in small things, Curt would never accept responsibility. He would be in charge of paying bills, buy a toy instead, hurting us....and never apologize even if i found out. He would rationalize it away, but never truly be sorry. It was hard to keep forgiving when the mistake got made over and over and over. :(

They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions. Too many years of having few if any friends. And when I did have friends, it was always because they were married to or dating Curt's friends. Any other friends...there was never enough time for. I don't think I even want to go into my family here. The times he made me feel bad for wanting to spend time with them, for making him spend time with them. It's been a hard thing. My family is hard enough to deal with without any outside intervention.

They blame everyone and everything else for unfortunate events in their lives. They perceive themselves as marytrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment. Yeah...this would be the last few years of my life. But even before...it was never Curt's fault when he was laid off/fired from a job, it was never his fault for anthing bad that happened. The last time I tried to talk to Curt about how I was feeling, he blamed the way he treats me on bad wiring in his head. I just wanted an apology. Some feeling of remorse. Some indication that he knows the bad things in his life are his fault. But I don't think he'll ever feel this way.

Manipulating you into feeling guilty over things that have nothing to do with you. Gee...this one, goes back to before Curt. So much so that I tend to appologize before I even try to explain my side of anything. But just as a confirmation of this...last month...Curt started talking of forgiveness with me. Lecturing me on forgiveness even. He started by asking if I thought some people in our lives need to ask for my forgiveness for things they have done to hurt me. And some I would like to have ask, others I know will never ask and others I don't think need to ask. Then he brought up someone who, if she knew what I did, would be right in demanding an apology and that I should ask hartily for forgiveness. Needless to say, in the situation he was describing, this person will never know that I've been a cause for her pain. The only reason Curt had to bring this up again was to make me feel guilty again. He knows I've been to confession regarding this, he knows it is a closed subject. But regardless, he still brings it up anytime he can.

I've been working on this off and on for a month now.....and I know I have made some decisions. It's been a rough month. Not one I want to repeat anytime soon. I know I am not the only person who has ever made this decision. I know how I'm feeling is not new. But to me....even the thought of not being married to the same person forever....feels wrong. Yet as I look at the things that have happened lately...I know that within the next few months, I'll go back to being a Miss or Ms. instead of a Mrs.

If you are reading this, and I haven't talked to you in person or by email yet about it...I'm sorry. I meant to get this out in a slightly more personal way first. But I think I need to move on from this post and write some others. Maybe some with happier themes.










-

Where to start?.....Hmmmm....

Where to even start this...since it's been three months. :P

But I guess sitting here (here being back at M&D's for the weekend dog sitting) I've been doing quite a bit of thinking. And realized I really needed to write some thoughts down.

So I guess I'll start with some updates. End of July through mid August saw me packing like a mad woman to move to my own place. It's a small one bedroom apt that I'm sharing with the middle dog of my pack and my cat. :) It's OK, but not exactly nice. It's in a bit of a rough area and the neighbors are...well...the phrase white trash comes to mind. But it was important to be out on my own again. I needed the independence and the time to be on my own.

The end of August and early September saw me starting school, meeting new people, and trying very hard to figure out what I truly want out of life. :( I really thought by my age, I'd already know. In some ways I feel like I've taken a 18 year hiatus. Which sounds really odd. But then again, I guess maybe I have.

One of my school books has an essay in it about a woman who was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who she describes as "emotionally and financially abusive." It was really hard reading for me. She could easily have been describing the past 14 years of my life with Curt. A new friend, Pat, also expressed some concerns when I was sharing about Curt. :( And due to some really odd problems with the phone system...I haven't been talking to Curt much this past month or so. And actually, it feels good. Which makes me more sure that things that others are seeing...maybe truer than what I've been seeing. Ouch.

So I've been trying this past month to figure out what that all meant for me for and Curt. And I think I've come to some conclusions. But they'll have to wait for now. I'm not really ready to share yet.

But I will share this...I've been doing a lot of research on emotional and financial abuse. And everything I read leads me back to the thought....this describes my relationship with Curt.
One web site had this list of things as a "check list to describe emotional/verbal abuse."

- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

- You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the center of attention;

- Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

12 statements. And I see Curt in 10 of them. Even now, even where he is, as powerless as he may seem...When I talk to him, visit him, spend time with him...these 10 things are soooo true. And I'm starting to not want to deal with them anymore. I am really becoming tired of these 10 things.

I tried, about a month ago, to bring up my feelings about just one of the ten. The manipulation one. Curt sat and listened....sort of. And when I was finished, he dismissed my feelings as not real. Asked how could I feel this way. Demanded I tell him, in detail, one time he was manipulative. When I insisted this was what I felt like, and described an incident in detail, he said he needed time to think about this. As he couldn't remember ever really trying to manipulate me. :( Then the next time we spoke, he decided that the manipulation must be a result of a mental illness in him. It wasn't his fault, he has faulty wiring. So now he is trying to get a psychiatrist to agree with him. It's all so over the top. He has never apologized for anything he has done to hurt me. And oddly, some of our closest friends, would never know any of the things he has done. They know nothing of the affairs, nothing of the sacrifices I made so he could have his many toys, nothing of the ways he would keep myfamily and friends at a distance. Nothing was overt, nothing was physical. And as it built up over the years....well, the frog in the boiling water comes to mind. You know that story...

If you throw a frog into boiling water, he will jump out, but if you increase the heat of the water slowly, he will get accustomed to the increasing heat and eventually get cooked. It's not like all 10 of these things were there right from the start. If that had been the case...I would have run away. But they increased slowly, and became worse, until the last few years....I forgot that there was any other way to live. :(

But I'm learning....

College updates

So I went to my orientation last Thursday night. Wow...how odd was that feeling? To be sitting in a college auditorium again after so many years (ummmm....yeah.....10? noooo...15? yeah...if we count Sr. year...I just make that!)

So exactly 18 years after starting....I'm returning. It was an odd feeling. Some of the people sitting around me looked like me....some were still youngsters. (yes, I know, I'm not that old...but sitting near a couple of 18-20 year olds, one of whom asked if I was there with my son or daughter, made me *feel* old!). Then it dawned on me...if I had had a child when I first met Curt....I *COULD* be taking the child to college....which means that a couple of my high school classmates who had kids when they were in high school....may be the parents in that room.

But on the positive side...got to meet a very cool professor. He helped found the college in 1971-1972. Yep...the college is the same age as me. :) He teaches a capstone class that i will probably have to take. And was able to get my ID. I feel so official now! And one of my favorite parts...although not on the schedule...was going through the art gallery in the library. they were having a display of mosiacs. Beautiful...and thought provoking.... (yep...another blog is on it's way....)

another month gone by...

and I didn't post.

So much going on that this was the thing to go. But it really needs to not be the thing to go. I really do need to express myself more in this way.

So, a quick update for those who may not know. Tried for and didn't get an apartment. I'm in the process of trying again. Have been formally accepted into Metro State. I have an email address there and everything! I go next week to take a math test on Tuesday. (Thanks Bob for the text book. It giving me a lot to study!) And then on Thursday, I sign up for classes, learn about the campus, and meet with an adviser. Work has been crazy! Normally you do maybe 1 or 2 annuals in a month....I've done 3 in the last 3 weeks...and 2 more are scheduled for this week! YIKES! 5 annuals in 4 weeks! But my boss has been great about giving me extra paperwork time so I can get it all done. So I am a happy camper at work!

Hard to believe an entire month can be reduced to a paragraph....lots more happened. Some happy (a wedding--a visit from a nephew), some sad (only one visit with Curt, changes in a relationship). It was an odd month to say the least. But I think...overall, it was good.

I feel stronger for having lived through it. And I think....I'll need that strength for July. ;)

This week--7 dogs, 6 more days, 5 overnight visitors, 4 days at home alone, 3 things i must remember to do with the pool, 2 cats, and 1 very tired human. And that is just at home!

Outside of home...5 days of work, 4 hours of meetings at college, 3 extra paperwork hours, 2 annual meetings, and the same 1 very tired human!

So for those of you who read this and pray...please ask God to give a bit of extra stamina this week. :)

And hopefully...as I'll be home a lot later this week....I'll be able to write again.

worry

So I am trying very hard not to worry....

about what will be decided about the apartment I've applied for....

about what I will do if turned down....

about some small, but nagging physical problems that I know I need to see my Dr. about, but can't find a time to do so...

about my continued mental health while living here with M&D

about my dogs' health due to their weight (problems caused by M)

and just this overall sense of dread I've been getting of late. :(

So for the few faithful readers of this....

Prayer would be greatly appreciated.

And if by chance you see me this week...and I'm looking a bit ragged....know you are not the reason. I am.

The Eucharist

So yes...this is becoming more and more a religious themed blog...deal with it. :)

But this past week has been an odd one. And one where the topic of the Eucharist keeps appearing. It's shown up in readings, in church service (Sunday was the feast of Corpus Christi), the music from the service, and just in talking with friends and family.

And Fr. F told the story of the boy and his dad out camping...Son wakes up in the middle of the night, wakes dad and asks what the stars are saying to him. Father starts to wax philosophical...talking about astronomy, theology. Then asks what they say to the son. Son replies.."They tell me someone stole our tent!"

Fr. F called this a "DUH" moment. And went on to say that as long time Catholics we need to remember that the Eucharist, while something we do each week and maybe not something we think much about, should be a DUH moment. A moment when we see it for all that it is. Our Savior, giving himself to us, to become a part of us, and we of Him. And yes, it's easy to just partake each week and not really think about it...but it is the obvious answer we must remember.

And last weekend...I was truly grateful for all the Eucharist had to give me. I really needed to hear again how this is the cornerstone of faith. That Jesus came down from heaven, by the power of the Holy Spirit, was born of a virgin and became a man. All so he could suffer, die and be buried and rise again to give us a chance at eternal life. Such perfect, amazing love.

The Our Father (Lord's Prayer) in Latin

So here it is...in the common way of writing Latin today.


PATER NOSTER, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur nomen tuum. Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in caelo et in terra. Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris. Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo. Amen.


But this is not the way it would have been written two thousand years ago. There were no punctionuation marks. No capital letters. No spaces. More like this....

paternosterquiesincaelissanctificeturnomentuumadveniatregnumtuumfiatvoluntastuasicutincaeloet interrapanemnostrumquotidianumdanobishodieetdimittenobisdebitanostrasicutetnosdimittimusdebitoribus nostrisetnenosinducasintentationemsedliberanosamaloamen


Why is that important? And why am I even mentioning it? Well...Curt is learning Greek and Latin. And saying the rosary in Latin...Which includes the Our Father. So we were discussing it. and the exact meanings of some of the words versus the way we've translated them over the years.


One of the words/phrases he thinks was a poor translation was "Daily bread". He feels it should really have more of a emphasis...like that which we must have to continue to live. That at the time of writing people thought food was more important than water or air to survival...which we know now is not the case. But the idea of that which we must have to continue to live...sounds an awful lot to me like what Jesus said to the Samaritan woman at Jacob's well. That the water of the well would only last for a short time...but he could give her water so she would never thirst again.

Another phrase we spoke about was the "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

Curt mentioned that he was talking his way thru this with his priest....because he felt after reading this that the wording was more like "You forgive us when we do wrong in the same way that we forgive people who hurt us." Which lead Curt to think...Wow...I'd better do a better job of forgiving people. So he now has a new thing to pray for each night. He picks the one person from the day that he is most frustrated with...and prays for them.

And as to the last...Curt said he felt like the translation should have read..."And do not cause us to be tested, but save us from the Evil." More like asking a teacher to not give the final in a class, lest we fail it utterly. And asking for protection from the terrible Evil one roaming the earth.

I kind of like these translations. Gives me lots to think on.....

and once again...

it's been a month. :P

But then...soooo much has happened. And this took last priority. But soon...I hope to have more time on my hands. Lots more. Which would be sooooo nice.

Work is going really well. Had my first annual meeting. Went fine. 2nd is tomorrow. Have written one annual (for the meeting tomorrow) and have a second well underway, even though that meeting isn't until late June.

Meanwhile....I found an apt. I like. :) In an area I'm comfortable with. Which allows dogs/cats. :)
With any luck...move in date in June 7. Nice.


Still waiting on college stuff to start in earnest.

May 12 :)

So on May 12, I will change job titles. Same company, same clients....new responsibilities and new benefits!

I'll become a case manager. I'll have a case load. (specific clients whose well being at work I am responsible for!) And I'll have to do paperwork. :P

But it means a 20% increase in hourly pay, 2 1/2 additional hours of work each week, additional time off, more holiday pay. :) So I guess...it balances out.

Lots to do before then. People to meet, files to read, paperwork to fill out, forms to get signed and turned in. But I am so excited. I feel like I am accomplishing something good with my life. Something I've not felt in way too long.

Rule of my life

So I subscribe to a list serve that is a discussion between Evangelicals (or former ones--:) ) and Orthodox Christians. One of the regular posters puts up a post called "A Word from the Desert" A few days ago...this was the post.

A brother went to see an anchorite and as he was
leaving said to him, "Forgive me, Abba, for having
taken you away from your rule." But the other answered
him, "My rule is to refresh you and to send you away
in peace."

And it dawned on me...if I wanted to make a rule (way to live) as direction for my life...it would be the same as this anchorite. In all my relationships...friends, family, work, acquaintances, whatever...I want my prayer to be..."Lord, let me refresh the people I come into contact with this day and send them away in peace."

It may not sound like much...but how many of us yearn for peace? How many people need to feel refreshed?


Clearly this is not a new problem. Nor a specifically Orthodox idea. :) The prayer of St. Francis speaks of it too..

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

I thought at one point that it was something more Jesus spoke of on the mount when he said
"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God" But I am starting to think that the peacemakers are not those who stop wars, but those who strive daily to bring peace and refreshment to any weary and dry people they encounter.


So my prayer today is....

May God send you peace and refreshment this day. If you come into contact with me and need refreshing, may I be the spring where you can find to water a dry and weary soul. If peace is what you seek, and you encounter me, may God use me to help you find what you are searching for.

Holy Week

More and more lately this blog is becoming about my faith. But then...I'm kind of coming home to faith after an extended absence. And Holy Week this year...meant more than it has in a long, long time.

Where to start....Well I guess I'll back up to a week ago, Palm Sunday. Actually...the Saturday before. I went to see Curt. It was a tough visit. It was an anniversary of sorts for us. One year down, seven more before he is in my arms again. Oof. It was hard. Add to that a kind of...odd conversation about regrets and what some of ours are and aren't. (no, if I haven't told you in person...you don't get to know! Some things are best left unwritten. ;) And regrets are one of them!) So I left with tears in my eyes and a sorrowful heart. But a couple of friends that night, at church and at dinner really helped me through. :) Which was about the only reason I had enough strength and energy for Palm Sunday singing.

Palm Sunday at my church starts outside. The church is located on a fairly major road, so we are really visible with our palm branches out there! We invite the preschool and younger grade school kids to join us (choir and priest and deacon) while we read the story of Jesus' Entry to Jerusalem. Then we walk to the church, singing hosanna and waving our palms. :) It was really neat.

Then the last of my church small group meetings until May. :) I have come to love this group of people. I think some of them have become a bit cynical and maybe a bit....burnt out as far as church goes. But they are still trying, still fighting the good fight. And I am glad to see it and maybe be a part of the healing process for them. It was a nice last time for talks on evangelization. In May...we'll talk about the beatitudes.

Tuesday was choir practice. Good time. I love my choir. Supportive. Helpful. Loving. Sarcastic. Funny. Sweet. In other words...My kind of people. :P

Wednesday was the night off. Whew. Glad it was in the middle of the week!

Thursday was a really good service. Choir sang for it. Foot washing. (didn't participate...I have some....issues with my feet. ) And my small group leader was the person passing out Eucharist to the choir. :) It was really neat to see her and take the host from her hands. And for this week, the hosts were replaced with pieces of an actual loaf of bread. Made by a parish member. Who unexpectedly passed away in her sleep that morning. Somehow it made it all the more touching and real. I can't explain it better than that.

Friday was a kind of odd day for me. I was a bit tired, starting to come down with something, and the weather was kind of...odd. Bad in places and better in others. Decided not to risk staying too far from home (home and work/church are about an hour drive apart.) So I went to my parents church's Easter musical. Cute. Story focuses around Andrew and Peter and two angels in the weather department of heaven. Peter being the older brother who looks a bit like Red from the Red/Green show. :P And like Red, can't count past 10. So things like 12 tribes, 12 apostles...really bug him. And Andrew...well, he can count.....but is a bit lacking in the tact and poise. (Red/Green fans...think of the nephew here) The story starts at the wedding at Cana and goes through the resurrection. Good music, cute story sections....but somehow...I just couldn't compare it to the night before. It seemed...shallow.

Saturday was a day of rest....and an evening to remember. :) Easter Vigil is always a good service....Always. But to be able to sing at it, sponsor a friend in joining the church, and celebrate the hope we have as Christians.....was wonderful. The "bells and smells" as a friend puts it...were so well planned and so beautiful. So able to put one into the spirit and remind us of all we believe. :) Tradition and pageantry. Yep...Catholics do that pretty well.



Easter Sunday...was...restful. And as I am writing this several weeks later....was perhaps the last good day I had with my parents. :( But I am glad it was a good day for us. Gives me something to look back on with hope for a better future, when some distance allows us to better relate to each other without making each other crazy.

Holy Week was.....Holy, happy, and satisfying to my soul. :)

Church today

Way too long since I posted! But I finished up the Ash wednesday one, and now one for today. Sang at church today. "Be Thou My Vision" (Rudder version) and "Coming Home".

Be Thou MyVision has long been a favorite of mine. :) So it was really cool to sing a new (to me) version of it. But this morning...Coming Home really hit home.

The lyrics (minus all the coming homes we sing between them.)

I've wandered far away from God now I'm coming home
The path of sin too long I've trod Lord I'm coming home

Coming home coming home never more to roam
Open wide Thy arms of love Lord I'm coming home

I've wasted many precious years now I'm coming home
I now repent with bitter tears Lord I'm coming home


Odd, but I've never really liked songs/scriptures that talk of heaven as home. Home has never been a peaceful place. Home to me has always been....stressful at best and chaotic and unsupportive at worst. :( So I usually prefer other kinds of songs. But somehow...today... this song just hit me. And for once, home didn't make me think of home. Somehow, home was....more of a fellowship of believers. :) My church. All of us.

And this song...with it's emphisis on repentance and returning to God...was just what I needed. It is where I am.

Ash Wednesday

So here it is...Ash Wednesday. And I had an odd experience of it this evening. After our normal client day, we have some time to work. (except for days like today, when we have meetings.) So I had a staff meeting, then A called. Dinner? In M. G. (half way between home and work)...would be great, but...it's Ash Wednesday. I have church. Well...I decided to call to a church near home and see what time their service was (7pm) So, A--Dinner sounds good...I'll just play visitor to a different church tonight--one mom has wanted me to visit. :)

:( OH MY!!!!! I went to an Evangelical Catholic Church! I felt...uneasy. I can't explain it. I mean it looks like churches I grew up in. It sounds like churches I grew up in. In some ways, it feels like churches I grew up in...but I left that church. I *WANT* a Catholic experience when I go to church.

And I think...there is something about a church when it gets to a size and wealth level that it can build a multi-million dollar building...it loses a certain...spark? It's like it forgets what it is to be outside it's doors. And stops ministering to the area--just to it's own.

It was a hard service to sit through. No mention of sin or death. No "remember you are dust and to dust you shall return" The response was "Go and serve the Lord." A good thing, yes, but...not what Lent is for.

Lent is for reflection. It's for us as believers to take stock and find our way back. It's for healing and renewal. Gearing up for the fight.

The Old Man and the Dog (my thoughts)

This came in my inbox today from my mother-in-law. I liked it. It was cute, sweet, and as a crazy dog lover...kind of right up my alley!

But I need to comment on the bottom of it and get any thoughts out there on if/how I should respond to M-in-L.

Life is too short for drama & petty things, so laugh hard,

love truly and forgive quickly.

This is sooo true...but D (my M-in-L) thrives on drama and pettiness, rarely laughs, and doesn't understand love and forgiveness (ie--my mom has visited curt twice, writes him weekly, and answers anytime he calls. His own mom--hasn't even applied to visit, has not written him and only answers sometimes when he calls--which one shows love? Forgiveness? )

Lost time can never be found.

Again--so true...but how to get her to do more than forward stories about it on to others? UGH!!!! This is why I don't want to visit their home town. YUK!!!

The Old Man and the Dog

The Old Man and the Dog

by Catherine Moore

"Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car!" My father yelled at me.

"Can't you do anything right?"

Those words hurt worse than blows I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.

"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.

Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil.

What could I do about him?

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon .. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess.

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.

But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Sugges tions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.

My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it.

The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article." I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.

I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, wa lked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement.

"He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?"

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said.

I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.

"Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.

"You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!" Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate.

We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in fr ont of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.

Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.

It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne . Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even
started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne 's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.

The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved f or family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers."

"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article...

Cheyenne 's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.

Life is too short for drama & petty things, so laugh hard,
love truly and forgive quickly.

Live While You Are Alive.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.
Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a
second time.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone. Lost time can never be found.

---

Jobs, Careers, and Callings

So I have now been gainfully employed for two weeks! I already have become somewhat attached to this place and the people we serve. I had forgotten in the last eight years what it feels like to be working at something you are called to do. And I am soooo grateful for the chance to do so again. It's a balm on a wounded soul. :)

It's the little things at work that have been sooo uplifting. Getting a client whose normal facial expression is a grimace to smile, getting a deaf client to respond in sign, when she refuses to sign most of the time, having a client who normally takes months to adjust to new people talk to me the first week. Nothing that those who don't feel a connection to the least of these our brothers/sisters would think of as important. But for these...wow! I've already got a small collection of art work too. A coloring page of an angel, a picture drawn by a woman with her and myself signing to each other and the words Andrea/Chris sign happy, a "modern art" piece with blocks of purple, blue, green and brown--the clients favorite colors! And a God's eye--made with two wooden skewers, and bits of different colored (non-matching) pieces of yarn. I think I'll need a small box for all the art I'll get over the years I want to be here!

I've had many jobs in the past eight years...several different careers...but now...I'm finally returning to my calling. It doesn't feel like work at all. :)

It's been too long!!!

So I realized it had been way too long since I put anything here! Life has been busy. An out of town trip with a friend, holidays with family, and the start of a new job! WOW no wonder I didn't post...So where to begin? At the very beginning of course! :)

The out of town trip was a great time. Days to myself (friend had to work-:( How sad!) But I was able to see some great art and a historical museum devoted to life in the mid 1800s. Just the things a history buff loves to do! Did a lot of walking too. So went into the holidays relaxed and a happy camper!

The Holidays were nice. Grandma was here from out of town. Sister A and Brother-in-law B as well as their kids S1, S2 and S3 came in on Christmas day and stayed for 5 days. They also brought 2 dogs. Add to my 3 and parents 2...7 dogs, 6 adults and 3 kids in one house...a bit of insanity, but lots of fun!

Sang in my Church choir for Christmas Eve mass. Was a beautiful service. Mom came with me. And a couple of friends joined me there too. Nice.

I think I'll end here and start the new job in a new post. :)