Wow! What a church service. I left Church today feeling soooo energized! The Archbishop here is a saintly old gentleman who gave a beautiful homily. Comparing the temple in Jeruselem with our church. One of the things he stressed was the fact that David bought the land for the Temple. It was offered as a gift, but David refused saying that he could not offer a gift to God that cost him nothing. That gifts imply sacrifice and cost. And that we who are now receiving blessing from others sacrifice should be willing to offer our time, effort, tithe and talent to continuing that blessing. His other quote was that without our being willing to offer sacrifice that comes with a cost, we can not find the joy and peace God is trying to give us. Seems to be a theme that has come up a couple of times (parish mission, Curt, a sermon tape from mom) and in a few ways for me lately.
One was and is just a financial way. At exactly the same time that I have made a commitment to start tithing and getting my financial house back in order--I find that I have been declared as "healthy" again by the insurance company, so no more disability payments. (Thank God I already moved in with my parents!) But at the same time, I suddenly have some other job opportunities open up. So what I thought to be a small sacrifice is becoming a bigger one. But, at the same time, I am finding both joy and peace at the thought of a new job.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Interview? Why I'm I worried? I've done this...
a million times before--that is why I am worried. I am starting to feel like no one wants me. :( I know it is just a matter of time and finding the right fit. But--it's frustrating too. I mean I want to find a job that I enjoy, one that I feel like I'm helping people. But I need it to pay enough that I can live off it too. So--I have an interview today--not the "perfect job" but one I think I could enjoy. I have an information packet coming regarding another job and I have better feelings about that. So now--I just have to work on showing these folks what I can do. Curt reminded me that this is something I wanted to do when I first moved up here--and I do have many fond memories of my time in the school system working with the disabled. I love their ability to live in the now and to put all they have into the things they do. So here goes....Let the interviews start!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Weekend woes
OK--so it was just Sunday blahs. Saturday started out as a really good day. Started with a nice visit with Curt. Mom came with me so I even got a short (15 minute) nap in the car. Went to Mass, out to dinner with a friend (Bob) and his wife, then out for dessert with Dave.
So Sunday.....
Started OK--got up, got going on my day, Mom and Dad went to church, I got some things unpacked. They came home and mom had thought of another place to go look for some things for the bathroom. So after a trip to Loew's we go out to eat at a new place (Guadalajurara's in Monticello--OK, but not great) then to Target, then home. So far--a bit annoyed as I had told mom I wanted to stay home and get all my stuff unpacked as I have another busy few days ahead of me and wanted to spend most of yesterday on this. (it's now 2:30) Home we go and Dad has to do some work from last week as he spent most of Thursday afternoon on my car troubles. So I should have had time, right? Wrong. Mom needed help with Christmas stuff, then she want to talk about what I am doing, then she wants to ask about a dozen questions, not giving me time to answer any of them. It's now almost 4 and I've accomplished nothing since 11 am.
When mom follows me into my bedroom and starts taking things out of my closet--I loose it. No, no screaming match, no swearing, not even a raised voice. Just "Mom--Let me deal with that later OK? I can get my own dirty clothes into the laundry room". To which she replies "well if you need to tell me to leave just say don't go away mad, just go away." and walks out of my room.
No, I chose not to follow her. This is a lesson she does need to learn--that I do need some space. And talking to her about it hasn't worked. So maybe--feeling like she was thrown out will. Except that now I feel like a heel. I mean after all my folks have been doing for me.... but I am an adult and I need to have someplace I can retreat to without being followed. I need a place to call my own. And I need a place that has nothing of mom's in it. I took my dirty clothes and empty hangers to the laundry room this morning as I said I would do. So I am hoping maybe we have a bit of an agreement on that.
Now if I can get mom and dad to get that a closed door means--Knock, wait and when I say come in, then open the door.....
So Sunday.....
Started OK--got up, got going on my day, Mom and Dad went to church, I got some things unpacked. They came home and mom had thought of another place to go look for some things for the bathroom. So after a trip to Loew's we go out to eat at a new place (Guadalajurara's in Monticello--OK, but not great) then to Target, then home. So far--a bit annoyed as I had told mom I wanted to stay home and get all my stuff unpacked as I have another busy few days ahead of me and wanted to spend most of yesterday on this. (it's now 2:30) Home we go and Dad has to do some work from last week as he spent most of Thursday afternoon on my car troubles. So I should have had time, right? Wrong. Mom needed help with Christmas stuff, then she want to talk about what I am doing, then she wants to ask about a dozen questions, not giving me time to answer any of them. It's now almost 4 and I've accomplished nothing since 11 am.
When mom follows me into my bedroom and starts taking things out of my closet--I loose it. No, no screaming match, no swearing, not even a raised voice. Just "Mom--Let me deal with that later OK? I can get my own dirty clothes into the laundry room". To which she replies "well if you need to tell me to leave just say don't go away mad, just go away." and walks out of my room.
No, I chose not to follow her. This is a lesson she does need to learn--that I do need some space. And talking to her about it hasn't worked. So maybe--feeling like she was thrown out will. Except that now I feel like a heel. I mean after all my folks have been doing for me.... but I am an adult and I need to have someplace I can retreat to without being followed. I need a place to call my own. And I need a place that has nothing of mom's in it. I took my dirty clothes and empty hangers to the laundry room this morning as I said I would do. So I am hoping maybe we have a bit of an agreement on that.
Now if I can get mom and dad to get that a closed door means--Knock, wait and when I say come in, then open the door.....
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Parish Mission 4th and final night
This was actually a kind of mini-Mass. Only the Old Testament reading and the Gospel, shortened prayers, but longer homily. The night's focus--community.
His thoughts--technology is destroying community a bit at a time. Hard to stop this, but we should be trying. His answers--the small things--go into your bank instead of using the ATM. Use a regular checkout line in the store instead of the self check out. Pay for your gas inside. Why? It is in the everyday human interactions we build community. Park your car outside in the summer. Take walks in your neighborhood. Stop and talk to the lady planting flowers. Stop and chat with the kid playing ball. Offer to pitch a few. Invite the neighbors over for a meal. Send food if someone is sick or a family member has died.
I had an experience of this yesterday at work. A young woman came in. She's been here before--always short on cash--always wanting coffee. Yesterday was no exception. A dime short and I said--no problem--I'll cover it. Small enough thing--I had already made $4 or $5 in tips. But she starts crying. I come around the counter to give her a hug. She says "you don't know how much this means--I am moving to my sister's this week as my boyfriend is going to jail, and six months ago today my mom died so I've just been really depressed. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I just don't know what I will do."
So I say "you'll take life one day at a time--Trust me on this--I know. How long is your boyfriend going to be gone?"
One year--so short a time to me and so long to her. So I tell her. Not all, but enough so she knows I get it. We talk about the practical stuff--getting on visitation lists, getting him a bit of cash now and then so he can buy the practical stuff to make the next year bearable. Getting him into programming quickly. Finding out if he qualifies for work release or job training or anything. Doing all of it soon. The realities of visits. That they will hurt sometimes--take someone with you the first time. So you don't drive home alone.
All this because I chipped in 10 cents for a cup of coffee. Amazing how fast those interactions can take place and how small they can seem to some and how important to others.
OK--back to the mission. :) Combined choirs--both bell choirs and both singing choirs--wow--the sound was impressive. I think we are doing this again for the Bishops visit a week from Sunday. Should be neat.
And we did prayers of the faithful the old more Evangelical way--people with requests standing up and voicing them, with us all answering Lord hear our prayers. So neat. I've become so excited about church again after so long of not feeling like this. I am so grateful for being led to this church.
Now comes the hard part of church--I am starting to get to know people well enough for them to ask about Curt. Where do I go with this and what do I say? I am praying for wisdom and peace about my decisions here. So far--we are separated for now is all I've said. But people see I am still wearing my wedding ring. (along with 3 or 4 others usually). It almost came last night. But I kind of chose to not go there. Decided I was too tired and too emotional (hormonal?--probably time for my period) to really say anything about this right now.
But this has been a good week for me, for my family and my church.
His thoughts--technology is destroying community a bit at a time. Hard to stop this, but we should be trying. His answers--the small things--go into your bank instead of using the ATM. Use a regular checkout line in the store instead of the self check out. Pay for your gas inside. Why? It is in the everyday human interactions we build community. Park your car outside in the summer. Take walks in your neighborhood. Stop and talk to the lady planting flowers. Stop and chat with the kid playing ball. Offer to pitch a few. Invite the neighbors over for a meal. Send food if someone is sick or a family member has died.
I had an experience of this yesterday at work. A young woman came in. She's been here before--always short on cash--always wanting coffee. Yesterday was no exception. A dime short and I said--no problem--I'll cover it. Small enough thing--I had already made $4 or $5 in tips. But she starts crying. I come around the counter to give her a hug. She says "you don't know how much this means--I am moving to my sister's this week as my boyfriend is going to jail, and six months ago today my mom died so I've just been really depressed. I have no one to talk to about any of this. I just don't know what I will do."
So I say "you'll take life one day at a time--Trust me on this--I know. How long is your boyfriend going to be gone?"
One year--so short a time to me and so long to her. So I tell her. Not all, but enough so she knows I get it. We talk about the practical stuff--getting on visitation lists, getting him a bit of cash now and then so he can buy the practical stuff to make the next year bearable. Getting him into programming quickly. Finding out if he qualifies for work release or job training or anything. Doing all of it soon. The realities of visits. That they will hurt sometimes--take someone with you the first time. So you don't drive home alone.
All this because I chipped in 10 cents for a cup of coffee. Amazing how fast those interactions can take place and how small they can seem to some and how important to others.
OK--back to the mission. :) Combined choirs--both bell choirs and both singing choirs--wow--the sound was impressive. I think we are doing this again for the Bishops visit a week from Sunday. Should be neat.
And we did prayers of the faithful the old more Evangelical way--people with requests standing up and voicing them, with us all answering Lord hear our prayers. So neat. I've become so excited about church again after so long of not feeling like this. I am so grateful for being led to this church.
Now comes the hard part of church--I am starting to get to know people well enough for them to ask about Curt. Where do I go with this and what do I say? I am praying for wisdom and peace about my decisions here. So far--we are separated for now is all I've said. But people see I am still wearing my wedding ring. (along with 3 or 4 others usually). It almost came last night. But I kind of chose to not go there. Decided I was too tired and too emotional (hormonal?--probably time for my period) to really say anything about this right now.
But this has been a good week for me, for my family and my church.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday night--Parish mission day 3
Theme--Reconciliation
So this resonated with me in ways I was surprised at. Amazingly a group confession time actually brought more tears than an individual time I had a few weeks ago. It was really touching. The leader had us all bow our heads and just listen to his voice as he put himself into the shoes of people who had come to him individually over the years--he would talk about doing wrong things and hurting a spouse, or a parent, or a child. And of course all of us sitting there fit at least one of those. He moved on into community--the church, the school, the neighborhood, our workplaces. I don't think there were may dry eyes--mine weren't and neither were Fr. Tom's.
Oddly enough, my mom came with me. Odd because, well, she has been in a Catholic church all of twice in the past 15 years that I have been Catholic (once was my wedding--2nd was a funeral for someone Dad worked with.) She was surprised at how much the priest said from the Bible--including a quote on the letters B I B L E that her pastor from Illinois used. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth). So maybe she will understand it is not so scary now. :)
Highlights--the story of St. Maximillian Kolbe-a priest who died at Auschwitz. He stepped forward out of ranks to ask for the favor of dying in another's place. And was granted that request. 10 people were put into a metal box that day and left there to die with no food, no water, no way to move, having to lay on top of one another--without clothing, in their own urine and excrement. When the box was opened a week later--Fr. Kolbe was still alive and trying to sing a psalm of praise to God. When he was beatified in 1978, the young American Sargent whose place he had taken was there along with his 3 children and many grandchildren.
And the humanness of Peter--how Peter, just like most of us, would go from high to low--from saying You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God to saying I do not know the man. From saying It is good we can see your glory to falling asleep while Jesus prayed. From walking out to Jesus on the water, to trying to stop Jesus from going to Jeruselem and being rebuked by Jesus saying "get thee behind me Satan". So if such a man can be used by God as a foundation stone of His church--God can use us all.
And the things that keep us from being used and from living life in the joyous now that God wants us to live--Regret, hate, anger, retribution, jealousy, greed.
Fr. Tom told a story I've heard before, but was happy to hear again as it is no less true. A Native American Grandfather was telling a story about the two wolves who live inside every person. One is full of hate, anger, jealousy, regrets, greed, pain. The other is full of Love, joy, peace, freedom. They constantly battle for the top place in our life. One of the young men listening asks--"Which one wins?" And the grandfather answers- "Whichever one you feed".
So this resonated with me in ways I was surprised at. Amazingly a group confession time actually brought more tears than an individual time I had a few weeks ago. It was really touching. The leader had us all bow our heads and just listen to his voice as he put himself into the shoes of people who had come to him individually over the years--he would talk about doing wrong things and hurting a spouse, or a parent, or a child. And of course all of us sitting there fit at least one of those. He moved on into community--the church, the school, the neighborhood, our workplaces. I don't think there were may dry eyes--mine weren't and neither were Fr. Tom's.
Oddly enough, my mom came with me. Odd because, well, she has been in a Catholic church all of twice in the past 15 years that I have been Catholic (once was my wedding--2nd was a funeral for someone Dad worked with.) She was surprised at how much the priest said from the Bible--including a quote on the letters B I B L E that her pastor from Illinois used. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth). So maybe she will understand it is not so scary now. :)
Highlights--the story of St. Maximillian Kolbe-a priest who died at Auschwitz. He stepped forward out of ranks to ask for the favor of dying in another's place. And was granted that request. 10 people were put into a metal box that day and left there to die with no food, no water, no way to move, having to lay on top of one another--without clothing, in their own urine and excrement. When the box was opened a week later--Fr. Kolbe was still alive and trying to sing a psalm of praise to God. When he was beatified in 1978, the young American Sargent whose place he had taken was there along with his 3 children and many grandchildren.
And the humanness of Peter--how Peter, just like most of us, would go from high to low--from saying You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God to saying I do not know the man. From saying It is good we can see your glory to falling asleep while Jesus prayed. From walking out to Jesus on the water, to trying to stop Jesus from going to Jeruselem and being rebuked by Jesus saying "get thee behind me Satan". So if such a man can be used by God as a foundation stone of His church--God can use us all.
And the things that keep us from being used and from living life in the joyous now that God wants us to live--Regret, hate, anger, retribution, jealousy, greed.
Fr. Tom told a story I've heard before, but was happy to hear again as it is no less true. A Native American Grandfather was telling a story about the two wolves who live inside every person. One is full of hate, anger, jealousy, regrets, greed, pain. The other is full of Love, joy, peace, freedom. They constantly battle for the top place in our life. One of the young men listening asks--"Which one wins?" And the grandfather answers- "Whichever one you feed".
Parish Mission--Monday night
So Monday's theme was our baptism and Jesus' saving grace. We had a renewal of baptism promises (which for me are actually confirmation promises as no promises were made at my Baptism and no questions were asked of me.) I always like this--it feels so communal to have a large group of people answering together "We do believe" :)
Thoughts from Monday:
There is no sin so great that Jesus' blood doesn't cover it completely.
While yes--just being Baptized doesn't mean automatic entry to Heaven, it is the starting point in our journey. We all have starting points--some earlier, some later, and some at the last minute. But we all must start somewhere.
Life is a journey--we think about travel when we go on vacation and don't want to miss a thing. We need to think of life in the same way--a journey that we shouldn't be missing out on. Living in the past and worrying about things we have done wrong or living in the future and thinking only of those things to come means we forget to live in the now. And Now is when we can be present with God. We can't be present with God in the past or future--while he is there, we are not. But the now is where we can meet him.
Thoughts from Monday:
There is no sin so great that Jesus' blood doesn't cover it completely.
While yes--just being Baptized doesn't mean automatic entry to Heaven, it is the starting point in our journey. We all have starting points--some earlier, some later, and some at the last minute. But we all must start somewhere.
Life is a journey--we think about travel when we go on vacation and don't want to miss a thing. We need to think of life in the same way--a journey that we shouldn't be missing out on. Living in the past and worrying about things we have done wrong or living in the future and thinking only of those things to come means we forget to live in the now. And Now is when we can be present with God. We can't be present with God in the past or future--while he is there, we are not. But the now is where we can meet him.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Parish Mission
So yesterday was the start of the Parish Mission. What is a Parish Mission you ask? A Catholic revival service! Start with some music, go to some prayers, and then about an hour or so of preaching. Finish with prayer and music again. Oh-but no fire and brimstone. :)
Last night's topic was God is love. We even chanted it aloud together. Maybe 200-300 people there. Good sound. And Fr. T is a compelling speaker. So some thoughts he shared that I am now musing on.
"You will never be closer to God than you are right now" --More on this in a minute.
"We all judge other people--but why? That is the important question as it reveals a need in our lives."
"We all have addictions. To live and be human is to be addicted to something. Addictive behavior is the one universal human condition."
"There is a statue of limitations on the blaming of parents for your life's problems." --this said to an 81 year old woman who was blaming her mom for why she was addicted to alcohol.
"The only way to experience God's grace is to keep our addictions in front of us at all times. This keeps us humble and open to God's love, mercy and grace in our lives"
"For most people, before they can allow God's love to truly touch their lives and change them, they must be humbled before others. This maybe very public or just a few close friends and family, but God will get our attention to show us his love."
So the quote at the top--"you will never be closer to God than you are right now." Kind of scared me a bit. As I am not feeling all that close to Him. But Fr. T went on to explain. We say and believe the Holy Spirit (God) lives in us. That God is everywhere. That God is closer to us than the marrow of our bones. So why do we say we need to get closer to God? That is as close as we can get us living breathing human beings. We need to be more aware of God, yes. But God is already as close as He can be.
OK--I get that--kind of..I think that is the topic of tonight--how to be aware of God in our lives. Followed by Reconciliation on Tuesday and Eucharist on Wednesday.
Choir sings again on Wednesday-but I plan to go all week. Some of the topics seem to hit close to where I am calling home these days. Like the judgment quote. I have been doing a fair amount of that with my parents. So why am I so judgmental of them? Still pondering that one. And what need in my life will that reveal?
And the being humbled before others--I get that one way too well. So here I am God--show me your love.
Last night's topic was God is love. We even chanted it aloud together. Maybe 200-300 people there. Good sound. And Fr. T is a compelling speaker. So some thoughts he shared that I am now musing on.
"You will never be closer to God than you are right now" --More on this in a minute.
"We all judge other people--but why? That is the important question as it reveals a need in our lives."
"We all have addictions. To live and be human is to be addicted to something. Addictive behavior is the one universal human condition."
"There is a statue of limitations on the blaming of parents for your life's problems." --this said to an 81 year old woman who was blaming her mom for why she was addicted to alcohol.
"The only way to experience God's grace is to keep our addictions in front of us at all times. This keeps us humble and open to God's love, mercy and grace in our lives"
"For most people, before they can allow God's love to truly touch their lives and change them, they must be humbled before others. This maybe very public or just a few close friends and family, but God will get our attention to show us his love."
So the quote at the top--"you will never be closer to God than you are right now." Kind of scared me a bit. As I am not feeling all that close to Him. But Fr. T went on to explain. We say and believe the Holy Spirit (God) lives in us. That God is everywhere. That God is closer to us than the marrow of our bones. So why do we say we need to get closer to God? That is as close as we can get us living breathing human beings. We need to be more aware of God, yes. But God is already as close as He can be.
OK--I get that--kind of..I think that is the topic of tonight--how to be aware of God in our lives. Followed by Reconciliation on Tuesday and Eucharist on Wednesday.
Choir sings again on Wednesday-but I plan to go all week. Some of the topics seem to hit close to where I am calling home these days. Like the judgment quote. I have been doing a fair amount of that with my parents. So why am I so judgmental of them? Still pondering that one. And what need in my life will that reveal?
And the being humbled before others--I get that one way too well. So here I am God--show me your love.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
What a Week!
So it has been just over a week since my last post....why? The MOVE of course! All finished now--except the unpacking part--but then--I am not unpacking much. The musical instruments, the oil lamps, maybe the angels. that will be about it. Not a lot of room and honestly--I don't think my parents could handle a lot of the more---esoteric? of my possessions. ;) Thanks to Dave for all his help. Don't think I would have survived the move with you!
More will come now as I get the computer up and running at home (M & D) and hopefully have a bit of time here and there to myself. (although I think I will have to insist a bit on this with Mom--she seems to think if I am awake and at her house we should be together...:( I'll just remind her of Mamma and her desires to be alone sometimes. That will work! Mamma is still helping me out of tight spots even though she hasn't been with us for 4 years now. Which is hard for me to believe--seems like just yesterday I was calling her once or twice a week)
OK that was a bit on the sad side and I hate ending things like that--so a positive! I found the beads for a couple of custom rosaries I am making as well as a couple of new ones either for the store or for Christmas gifts (I am thinking of making one for my Mother-in-Law, a sister-in-law, and maybe a brother in law as well--we'll see.)
More unpacking today and then--maybe the computer?
More will come now as I get the computer up and running at home (M & D) and hopefully have a bit of time here and there to myself. (although I think I will have to insist a bit on this with Mom--she seems to think if I am awake and at her house we should be together...:( I'll just remind her of Mamma and her desires to be alone sometimes. That will work! Mamma is still helping me out of tight spots even though she hasn't been with us for 4 years now. Which is hard for me to believe--seems like just yesterday I was calling her once or twice a week)
OK that was a bit on the sad side and I hate ending things like that--so a positive! I found the beads for a couple of custom rosaries I am making as well as a couple of new ones either for the store or for Christmas gifts (I am thinking of making one for my Mother-in-Law, a sister-in-law, and maybe a brother in law as well--we'll see.)
More unpacking today and then--maybe the computer?
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