grace and Sactifying Grace

So I went to visit with Curt yesterday. He has been reading a book on Catholic theology. So far he has 80 pages of notes on a 245 page book--he still has 3 chapters to read! But his latest readings were on the difference between grace (with a small g) and Sanctifying Grace (capital S capital G). Which I was clueless on, so I asked for an explanation.

What it appears to boil down to is grace is the tug of God that we feel as sinful people who know something is missing in our lives. It can occur to people who have not had church experience as an emptiness that they don't know how to fill. It can occur to people who have gone to church all their lives, but never had God touch them in a personal way. But at this point--it is a free gift God has given to every human being conceived in sin. We all, regardless of place, time, nationality or creed will feel this grace.

Sanctifying Grace is also a gift of God, but it requires our input too. This is what occurs after we make a conscious decision to follow God, to turn from sin, to become a believer. It is this SG that allows God to look at us and not see our sin and faults, but see Jesus' sacrifice in our place. Can we lose SG? Yes we can. When we make those decisions to turn away from God and sin against him. (in the big stuff--not the little stuff :) )

But---the small g grace--God will not take away--it is his gift to all mankind--including the sinning Christian--to remind us of where we need to be. And as a sinning Christian--who has already experienced both the original grace of God and knows what it feels like as well as having experienced and knowing how good SG is...we should be that much quicker to respond.

At least--that is what I could get of it. Filtered through Curts understanding. I think I want to read that book.

Faith, risk, trust, and confidence

So I've been reading a bit about a friend's struggle with faith. And remembering a bit of my own both from years ago and a bit more recently. And a lot of what has been said echoes my own experience. That for faith to really grow and expand--it must involve risk. The beginnings of belief are simple and childlike. A simple trust in a loving God. An understanding of the sacrifice of Jesus. Concepts children can get. Things we can have confidence in.

But we should grow from there. Otherwise we are stuck as little children in faith when our understanding of our world has grown. And this produces problems. For me--it produced them early on--my childhood was brief--I grew up fast both in knowledge of the world and in faith. And the simple childlike faith that worked at 7, didn't by the time I was 10. By 18--I was having a crisis of --well not exactly faith, but of the expression of faith.


My faith journey was just that--a journey. I needed a more adult, more mature way to express a faith I had for many years. And I found that in the Catholic church. I found a way to reconcile the need for faith and confidence in God with the feelings I had inside about what history was and is and what spirituality should be.

For Curt--this didn't occur until he was in his late 20s. He is just now finding his way out from going to risk taking as a way of life to make up for his lack of faith and confidence not only in God, but in himself as well. When he experienced his own crisis--he didn't talk about it, didn't find his answers in faith, but instead chose to make risky decisions--decisions about our finances, our lives, our love. Which I am starting to get--but it's hard.


Back to the friend (not Curt) who is also going through a faith journey. He is talking about a change in churches similar to my own. And is coming in different ways to many of the same conclusions I did. :) I hope he can find the same confidence in his decision as I did in mine.

Getting there

is 1/2 the fun? Whoever said that was not speaking of moving! But I actually am, in an odd way, enjoying this. Not the packing, or the physical labor of it, but the realization again of how many friends and family members I have who I can count on to be there for me. I am so blessed and fortunate. I am not sure how to thank them all--but I will work on finding some way. Meanwhile--to those who read this--Thank you!!!!!!

Feeling better about the move

So yesterday I went to visit Curt with my mom. It was a nice visit. Then dropped off mom, went to church to sing with the choir and was not planning on going back out to the parents house, but had a rather huge attack of "homesickness" I guess would be the right word. Just suddenly felt like I needed to be near mom and dad. Have not felt that way since college. But I've been a bit--well--weepy recently and I guess feeling a bit like a little girl helps. No, I don't plan on staying as little girl forever--actually already back to feeling grown up today, but last night--I think it was watching all the couples, kids and parents in church. I just felt a bit--lonely. So that is ok--I can handle being at my parents house and still be an adult most of the time--but when I need it--like last night--I think I will be OK with being their little girl again. Hugs, ice cream, scrabble, and soothing. Yep--didn't take much to make me feel like a new person again! Ready to face the world. At least my small corner of it.

Joining the Church, starting to make new friends

So it feels really strange to me. Tuesday afternoon I went to St. R. to talk with the pastoral care director about joining the church. I didn't want to really get into everything with Curt. So I left the line about martial status blank, filled out the rest of the card, and handed it back. she looked at it for a minute and said--"There is no shame here if you are divorced or separated--We see this often and we want to be here for you." OOF. So I said, "Well, we are separated. Which is the truth as far as it goes. It was just easier than explaining exactly why we are separated. She asked if there was hope of a reconciliation, and I said yes, I was beginning to see hope for that...also true. I would guess at some point later down the road--much later--I may go back and explain more. But for now--Marie gave me a book on separation and the feelings that go with it--WOW do they describe me the past year to a tee! And a prayer shawl. She said " The ladies that make these never know who we will give them to, but they pray while they knit or crochet for spiritual, physical and emotional strength for the recipient of each shawl. And anyone who has been separated from a spouse, needs strength." I like her. Nice.

It felt even a bit odder at choir--we had treats afterward and that was nice. Talk to a few of the ladies and felt good about it. Talked with the director, D, about the reason I haven't sung in so long--too busy as an interpreter! She asked if I might be willing to sign some songs sometimes. And I said "Of course!--I love to sign." Then the dreaded question "why aren't you signing now?" Because arthritis makes the joints wayyyy to stiff and painful to do more than maybe 1/2hr to an hr at a time--not a good thing for an interpreter. But it felt so nice to start meeting a few people and putting some names and faces together.

How fast can I move?

No I am not talking about speed races, but rather how quickly can I get all my things packed and out of the house I've been renting part of and into my parents or Lisa's house? Things just kind of keep getting worse and weirder there. I'm having a hard time getting in. :( . The landlord broke the lock we both have a key for about 2 weeks ago and still hasn't fixed it. He has taken to locking the door with a lock I don't have a key for. So I am locked out until he is around. And he makes me uncomfortable. I really don't like being there alone with him, I want to be able to get my things and start moving, but this makes it really hard. So I'll call D or another male friend tonight and see if they can go with me to retrieve the dogs and cat. And all the clothes I can fit into a car. Then hopefully I can get everything else in just a few trips. Thankfully not a lot unpacked. I guess I knew that this would not last. But it was a good stop on the way.

I hate being sick!!!!

So I woke up on Friday with a fever (103) chills, sore throught, and achey. Great-flu or strep. Called into work. Went back to bed. Woke occasionally to get hot tea or water--slept a lot. Occasionally checked e-mail (i've applied for a couple more full time positions--we'll see what happens next)

Slept all night on Friday, got up way later than I had planned on Saturday, but still got the car mostly cleaned out. Did some errands and went to mass at 4:30. I really like St. R's-the atmosphere, the people, the priest. Today's mass was on giving thanks--old testament story of Naaman, gospel of the 10 lepers. And even though a good enough homily could be made on the need to be thankful (which we all need to do more of) Fr. made sure to remind us that both Naaman and the thankful healed lepers were strangers to the Lord's table and that God didn't turn them away. Reminding us again that we can't turn others away just because they are not like us. Have I mentioned I really like this priest?

He gave a story about an RCIA candadate that during her prayers at night always counted down a "top ten" list of things to be thankful for. Reminded me of the year our youth group kept prayer journals--Used the ACTS acronym for it-

A--adoration

C--contemplation (This was the original--it was changed to something else--can't remember what--as I didn't think it needed to be changed! )

T--thanksgiving

S--supplication

We were supposed to make sure we had more things in our ACT than in our S.

One of the few times I didn't mind keeping a journal. Otherwise--I kind of hate it. But this one is needed. Just to get thing down and in some kind of order will be priceless.

My next few busy days!

So yesterday I went with Dave and Annie and got the car from lehmans. Work this morning, followed by some errands that I have been putting off as trying to get around on a bus is a bit...difficult. I mean if I had set up things like bank accounts and such thinking ahead to not being as mobile--it wouldn't be so hard, but as I did not think that way....

So thankful for D and A. They have not let me pay anything on the car. Annie's comment was that it will need enough repairs once you officially own it--don't worry about these--this is just fixing my problems before passing it on.

I hope to even get some things out to mom and dad's this evening. That would really make my day.

Then on Friday--work in the morning, artist reception at the store at 5pm and in between--helping Lisa with getting food and such ready for the artist reception.

Saturday--work in the morning, pack a bit in the afternoon, mass at 4:30 and class at 6pm. Home exhuasted at 10 or so.

Sunday--a friend, Tom is coming to visit Curt with me! Yeah!!!! I don't have to spend the 2 1/2 hours alone and Tom will help with gas too. This is such a wonderful thing.

Sunday night or Monday I'll be staying with mom (dad will be out of town) But that is ok--should go well.

So if I don't update this in the next few days.....I am just too darned busy!

My new (at least to me) car!

So I was off on the kind of car--It's a Sonata, not an Elantra. It is still silver and still has lower mileage. And still doesn't need a ton of work--but the shop had a hard time figuring out what was wrong with the breaks. It was the front calipers. Somehow I think my friends are not going to let me pay for fixing it. Tonight we retreive the car from Sears and take it to Lehmans to look at the fan for the heater/AC. It would appear to be a fuse issue, so hopefully not a lot of repair needed there either. We'll see.

I am so excited!!!!! Can't wait to drive again!!!!

Rainy days and Mondays....

don't usually get me down, but today.....

Started way too early (4:00am) to catch a bus by 4:30 to get to work by 6:30 to find that I didn't have keys to get in. Several hours, a ride with a customer and Lisa's mom coming with keys later, Work!

My weekend however--Fantastic!

Friday was able to borrow Lisa's van to see Curt! Yeah!!! Thought I wouldn't see him until this Sunday at the earliest so that was great!

Saturday--Family day. With my sister, brother-in-law and 2 nieces and a nephew as well as my mom and dad. Dinner at Red Lobster--Crab legs--YUM! And coconut cake decorated by S1 and S2 (nephew and niece).

Sunday-- Took the bus to Lisa's shop to borrow her van to go to Mass as the choir I'm in was singing. Bus was delayed 3 times due to Marathon. :( Started wondering if I was going to make it. Did, with only 15 minutes to spare before Mass. But it was nice. Loved a quote Fr. used by St. Francis--We should preach Christ constantly and if we have to even use words. I love it! Let your actions and attitude show what Christianity should be. Yep--I think that is the best type of evangelism yet.

Then went back to work for a few hours, during which Dave brought me lunch and roses. A gift from Curt. Dave had talked to Curt and worked it all out to get the flowers to me. I am such a blessed person. I keep crying when I see them. I feel so odd. So happy and sad at the same time--sometimes I think it is just not quite real. All that has happened. All that will continue to happen. But there it is. Flowers--from Curt, via Dave and all I can do is cry.

Enough! Time to go and get back to work.

So Tonight--It's the parents

How do you tell the two people in the world who you have always admired and looked up to that you have lied to them for months because you haven't wanted them to feel ashamed of you?

And How do you tell them that you are in financial crisis--that you really don't want their help (not because you don't need it, but because you want to be an adult about this, really).

How do you do all of this, while having problems with your emotional state, caused by everything happening around you, not to mention that a part of you is screaming to let them be the parents to their little girl all over again?

If anyone out there has any answers, I would be happy to accept help at this!

On a positive note, Annie has offered me her 2nd car as my own car! Needs new breaks, a tune up and may need a bit of other upkeep work (oil change etc) But it is a 2002 Hyundai Elantra. And except for the the things listed above--FREE!

YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Monday, Monday

So it is Monday.

A few more people told about my situation. Offers of help starting to come in. A longish talk with Curt, telling him all that was happening and some of the offers up to now. His perspective is always unique. His comment was--"blame me as needed! It 's not like I have any dignity left. Heck I have to strip, bend over and expose myself to another person just to go to church!"

Lydia (my psychologist) comment was "It sounds like you are at a diametric moment" OK--I know what diametric means, but how does one have a diametric moment? Like this " It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." Strangely--life can easily be both at the same time. Diametric moments. OK--I can see that.

Trying to decide how much contact to mantain with a friend who is going through his own hard time. Thought of several things I would like to share on the one hand, but on the other--wanting to respect his need to pull into himself. Guess I'll just wait and see. Maybe write down some of those thoughts for later sharing, or use as starters for this blog. We'll see.

Many more people will know what is happening after tonight. Should be interesting to see what will happen then. More Diametric moments I am sure.