Some good things from my trip

So I promised I'd write a bit about some of the good things from my trip to MN. And there were several.

I went to a Twins game, one of the last 20 in the dome. The Twins won against the Rangers. It was a nice relaxing evening with mom and dad. We had a bit of time before the game and had driven around Minneapolis a bit so I got to see some places that brought back some memories. Most were good ones. As a general rule Curt and I didn't go into Minneapolis together much, just for kind of special occasions. So the memories were mostly good. We did drive past Curt's attorney's office (a place I spent a bit of time as well) and that was hard. But other than that....it was nice.

And since we finished early on Saturday....We went to the State Fair. Mom and dad had never been, so I got to be the one to introduce them to the great MN get-together. :) It was really nice. We pretty much ate our way thru the fair, sampling everything from our favorite pronto pups to grilled shrimp to creme puffs and frozen apple cider. I don't think we had a bad thing that day. And....as a first....I walked away from the fair without having either spent a lot of money on stuff for Curt or feeling guilty about buying something for myself. :) It was nice. Really nice.

It also dawned on me...for the year 1/2 that I stayed with Curt after his incarceration, I felt like I couldn't do fun things. Like concerts or the fair. Because it wasn't fair that Curt couldn't go with me. But it dawned on me this trip. Curt deserves to miss those things for a while. He deserves to be where he is. His actions put him there. Not mine, not a failing of me that caused his actions. It was all him. And I think that maybe the best of the revelations I had this trip.

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Dr. Suess

"Be who you are and say what you feel....because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss



A blog I read had this quote in it a few days ago. And I started thinking of all the wisdom in the Dr. Seuss books.



Green Eggs and Ham teaches us to try new things.



And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street teaches us not to lie.



Yertle the Turtle teaches us to be happy with ourselves, no matter our station in life. And that the "Little People" do make a difference.



The Grinch and the Whos teach us the really meaning of the holiday season.



The Lorax teaches us the importance of taking care of our environment.



It's all there....love, happiness, respect, getting along with others, the importance of education and our beliefs, how to take care of others when they are old, sick, young, or in need.



I wonder if Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss's real name) was trying to teach the kids he wrote for about life's lessons or if that was just a good side effect. He started writing for the baby boomers of the 50's and was still going strong when I was a kid in the 70's. I doubt many of my generation can quote the Bible, but I'm willing to bet we all know and can quote a large part of our favorite Seussian book. I'm sure most of us don't know Amazing Grace, but I am pretty sure we can all sing along to "You're a mean one...Mr. Grinch."

So here's my take on the famous "All I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten"

All I Needed to Know about Life I Learned from Dr. Seuss

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned from reading Dr. Seuss.

These are the things I learned:

Everyone is important. (Yertle the Turtle)

Don't Lie (And to think that I Saw it on Mulberry Street)

Clean up after yourself (The Lorax)

Be Yourself (The Sneeches)

It's Ok to be Silly (There's a Wocket in my Pocket, Wacky Wednesday, et al)

Colors, Numbers, Letters, Learning is important (One fish, two fish/The ABC Book/Oh the Thinks you can Think)

Holidays are about people and love, not toys and food (How the Grinch stole Christmas)

Appreciate your parents (Hop on Pop)

Imagination is fun! (pick your favorite--it's in them all!)

The future is yours to make of it what you will. (Oh the places you'll go!)

Never give up. (The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins)

There are so many lessons Dr. Seuss gave us. It's all there. The wisdom of the ages, boiled down and distilled into the fun and silly world that is Dr. Seuss. None of it is so hard that a 6 year old can't get it, but the lessons are such that adults still struggle to follow them when they're 60. The world would be a better place if we all were a little more like Seuss's heroes.

Ok...so I'm not Robert Fulghum. But I know there are several of these lessons I'm still working on 30 years after I first learned them from Dr. Seuss. And if anyone asks...I may even share which ones. ;)

My trip back to MN

So I went back to spend a few days with my parents, go thru boxes and boxes of stuff, and make a million decisions about what to take, what to throw away and what to give to my now official ex-husband.



Yes, it is official. We are divorced. And it feels a bit....anti-climatic. After all was said and done, he signed the papers without the judge forcing it. But it took quite some time for him to do so, and cost me quite a bit extra in attorney fees.



My mom asked how I felt about it. Was I sad? Angry? Happy?



Yes. Yes. Yes. And anxious, frustrated, excited and relieved. I guess maybe relieved is the overriding feeling. It's over. I no longer need to wonder about how he will react to anything and everything I do. I never again need to fear his moods, wonder if this will be the time he will do to me what I watched him do to our dogs.



And that is just it. Because he was never physically abusive, no one (including, maybe even especially, my mom) gets how much I lived in fear and anxiety. I saw the look in his eye when one of our dogs would make a mess in the house or bark in the night or whatever. I saw the way he lost control and would strike them. And I always wondered if he would do that to me.



I can remember him saying once when we were dating that if someone he really loved were to leave him without "just cause" he would feel justified to do whatever it took to get them back. When I asked him what he meant he tried to make a joke of it saying "If you love someone let them go...if they come back they are yours. If not...hunt them down and shoot them!" And then wouldn't really talk about it. And as the years went on....I wondered if that wasn't a little closer to the truth than I cared to think about.



Curt has been transfered to another facility, this one offering treatment, so if he gets into the program soon, he could be finished in as little as 18 months. As he is considered a minimum security level inmate, he could qualify for work release by then too. It kind of scares me that he could be out in the community so soon. I don't think he fully gets just how messed up he still is. :(



And strangely, Mom almost blamed me for Curt's failings this trip. It really hurt. She just said it in passing. We were discussing how most of the things we owned belonged to Curt, how most of the most expensive things we owned were his and she said "Well YOU were there. YOU could have stopped him. Aliesha (my sister) stops her husband Brandon from buying toys. YOU could have too."

And for a minute I thought...Yes, it was my fault. Curt is/was broken and I should have tried harder to fix him. Then reality set in and I replied "Mom, if I had been able to control Curt, don't you think I would have? And can you really see me controlling him ever, over anything? I really wouldn't be me if I had that kind of power over another person would I?"

And mom had no answer for that. So we worked in blessed silence for a bit. Then mom asked if I had ever tried to tell Curt "no" about anything. "Yes" I replied. "I told him no frequently....but he'd find a way aroud my no to make it a yes. And I'd be the bad guy and not be spoken to or be ignored or have lies told about me until he got his way. "

I don't think she fully believes me. She mentioned her parents and how her dad treated her mom. And I realized...for the first time....I'd married my grandfather. The temper, the mood swings, the making me feel crazy because he'd be so nice to other people. But mom didn't see that.

There were fun, good things from last week....and I promise a post with some of the fun stuff next. :)

Home Again...

Home again, Home again.... as the children's rhyme goes. Although I didn't go to the market or buy a fat pig or hog. ;)

But I did go to the MN State fair with my parents and pretty much ate our way thru it.

I'll update more another time, when I'm more awake and ready to reflect on the last 5 stressful days. :(

Back in MN!

So finally....after a 14 hour drive (with way too much construction!) I made it to Buffalo! Minnesota, that is. ;)

Here until Sunday, then back on the road and back to Canada. I'm glad to be here, but will be even happier to head home on Sunday. :)

It feels nice to say that.

Homecoming.

So I'm going back to MN for about a week in about a week. And was asked at work as I was describing my trip "When are you coming home?" And I answered (without really thinking about it) Sunday, August 30. And realized after...that this is now "Home".

It all got me thinking...What is Home?

In college I made a sign that I put above the place I hung my hat/scarf etc "Home is where I hang my hat" And for the 4 years I was in college this was very true. Home changed so frequently then, different dorms, different rooms in the same dorm, back to my parents or grandmas homes. All were some version of home to me.

Before college...well, I guess Mamma's house was home. It was the one place I was always accepted for who I was, what I did was valued, and who I could become was celebrated. I always felt special, cared for and loved. It was home.

And I think I've been searching for it ever since.

I finally have found it.

:)

The move

The move is...almost over! We have the boxes and furniture in the house, now it's just getting it all unpacked and in it's new home. The kitchen is done, the living room started, the bedroom and office areas started. I had to go back to work for a couple of days and came home too tired to think about doing anymore. But now I have 3 days off so I plan to use them to finish up and get boxes out of our living areas!

The move was a good one, but I've been moving soo much recently that it just kind of hurts. I think back to all the other moves, all the reasons for those moves, all the frustrations my life has brought. Add to those feelings the stress of moving and....I broke down completely at one point. Just cried and cried and couldn't stop. I hate doing that. I was thankful that Pat wasn't around to see me. I didn't want to explain why I was crying over all these past experiences that are done and over, but still just haunt me. I'm sure he'd have understood, but sometimes I worry that my past will hurt my present or future. :(