My trip back to MN

So I went back to spend a few days with my parents, go thru boxes and boxes of stuff, and make a million decisions about what to take, what to throw away and what to give to my now official ex-husband.



Yes, it is official. We are divorced. And it feels a bit....anti-climatic. After all was said and done, he signed the papers without the judge forcing it. But it took quite some time for him to do so, and cost me quite a bit extra in attorney fees.



My mom asked how I felt about it. Was I sad? Angry? Happy?



Yes. Yes. Yes. And anxious, frustrated, excited and relieved. I guess maybe relieved is the overriding feeling. It's over. I no longer need to wonder about how he will react to anything and everything I do. I never again need to fear his moods, wonder if this will be the time he will do to me what I watched him do to our dogs.



And that is just it. Because he was never physically abusive, no one (including, maybe even especially, my mom) gets how much I lived in fear and anxiety. I saw the look in his eye when one of our dogs would make a mess in the house or bark in the night or whatever. I saw the way he lost control and would strike them. And I always wondered if he would do that to me.



I can remember him saying once when we were dating that if someone he really loved were to leave him without "just cause" he would feel justified to do whatever it took to get them back. When I asked him what he meant he tried to make a joke of it saying "If you love someone let them go...if they come back they are yours. If not...hunt them down and shoot them!" And then wouldn't really talk about it. And as the years went on....I wondered if that wasn't a little closer to the truth than I cared to think about.



Curt has been transfered to another facility, this one offering treatment, so if he gets into the program soon, he could be finished in as little as 18 months. As he is considered a minimum security level inmate, he could qualify for work release by then too. It kind of scares me that he could be out in the community so soon. I don't think he fully gets just how messed up he still is. :(



And strangely, Mom almost blamed me for Curt's failings this trip. It really hurt. She just said it in passing. We were discussing how most of the things we owned belonged to Curt, how most of the most expensive things we owned were his and she said "Well YOU were there. YOU could have stopped him. Aliesha (my sister) stops her husband Brandon from buying toys. YOU could have too."

And for a minute I thought...Yes, it was my fault. Curt is/was broken and I should have tried harder to fix him. Then reality set in and I replied "Mom, if I had been able to control Curt, don't you think I would have? And can you really see me controlling him ever, over anything? I really wouldn't be me if I had that kind of power over another person would I?"

And mom had no answer for that. So we worked in blessed silence for a bit. Then mom asked if I had ever tried to tell Curt "no" about anything. "Yes" I replied. "I told him no frequently....but he'd find a way aroud my no to make it a yes. And I'd be the bad guy and not be spoken to or be ignored or have lies told about me until he got his way. "

I don't think she fully believes me. She mentioned her parents and how her dad treated her mom. And I realized...for the first time....I'd married my grandfather. The temper, the mood swings, the making me feel crazy because he'd be so nice to other people. But mom didn't see that.

There were fun, good things from last week....and I promise a post with some of the fun stuff next. :)