Merry Christmas And Happy New Year!

Hello all!

I am alive and well. And finally starting to feel much, much better. :) I am smiling more than I have in years, and truly feel that this will be a Merry Christmas for me at last! It's been about 4 years or so since I have felt that way, so I'm really feeling good about it.

I went to church with Mom and Dad this past weekend and overall enjoyed the service. The pastor was preaching on the Christmas story and did a nice job of comparing the Magi and the shepherds to us today. How some are seeking and some are just going about their daily lives. Some are wealthy and influential and some are poor and not respected.

I found it a bit ironic that in two thousand years....somethings never change. The wealthy and influential...can still take time off to go on trips, while the poor and downtrodden must work all through the holiday season. :)

I am looking forward to visiting with some friends this Christmas, going to Midnight Mass (the first I've attended without being a part of it!) and just relaxing some. Guess this year that makes me one of the wealthy and influential who can take time off! I hope that soon, taking time out to relax will be replaced by just being more relaxed, the way I was many years ago. And I am starting to believe....


It will be a Happy New Year!

what went wrong with curt and i

It has been suggested that I write this out. :( I'm not sure if I want to, but it will probably be good for me. I think I'll use the list from the last post to kind of talk my way through this post as a way of organizing my thoughts.

They always put their needs before yours. Gee...let me see...4 no 5 affairs, more time spent waiting for him to pick me up due to his activities being more important than my time than I care to think about, his swords/art/guitars needing to be up on the walls where people could see them regardless of what others thought, while my things went up if we had room. Feels like it's not so important, but 14 years of this every day, even now, when he wants me to do things for him, even when I am so busy I don't have time to write in this or do what I want...

You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them. Yeah...kind of self explainatory. And no, it was not Curt's temper I feared. He could ususally manage that. Although hearing him say under his breath "Dad said it was never ok to hit a woman", did give me pause sometimes. Mostly though, it was his sulks. He would go into a funk anytime he didn't get his way. And life would just be miserable around him. Still can be.

They never take responsibility for hurting others; again, a bit... obvious? But even in small things, Curt would never accept responsibility. He would be in charge of paying bills, buy a toy instead, hurting us....and never apologize even if i found out. He would rationalize it away, but never truly be sorry. It was hard to keep forgiving when the mistake got made over and over and over. :(

They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions. Too many years of having few if any friends. And when I did have friends, it was always because they were married to or dating Curt's friends. Any other friends...there was never enough time for. I don't think I even want to go into my family here. The times he made me feel bad for wanting to spend time with them, for making him spend time with them. It's been a hard thing. My family is hard enough to deal with without any outside intervention.

They blame everyone and everything else for unfortunate events in their lives. They perceive themselves as marytrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment. Yeah...this would be the last few years of my life. But even before...it was never Curt's fault when he was laid off/fired from a job, it was never his fault for anthing bad that happened. The last time I tried to talk to Curt about how I was feeling, he blamed the way he treats me on bad wiring in his head. I just wanted an apology. Some feeling of remorse. Some indication that he knows the bad things in his life are his fault. But I don't think he'll ever feel this way.

Manipulating you into feeling guilty over things that have nothing to do with you. Gee...this one, goes back to before Curt. So much so that I tend to appologize before I even try to explain my side of anything. But just as a confirmation of this...last month...Curt started talking of forgiveness with me. Lecturing me on forgiveness even. He started by asking if I thought some people in our lives need to ask for my forgiveness for things they have done to hurt me. And some I would like to have ask, others I know will never ask and others I don't think need to ask. Then he brought up someone who, if she knew what I did, would be right in demanding an apology and that I should ask hartily for forgiveness. Needless to say, in the situation he was describing, this person will never know that I've been a cause for her pain. The only reason Curt had to bring this up again was to make me feel guilty again. He knows I've been to confession regarding this, he knows it is a closed subject. But regardless, he still brings it up anytime he can.

I've been working on this off and on for a month now.....and I know I have made some decisions. It's been a rough month. Not one I want to repeat anytime soon. I know I am not the only person who has ever made this decision. I know how I'm feeling is not new. But to me....even the thought of not being married to the same person forever....feels wrong. Yet as I look at the things that have happened lately...I know that within the next few months, I'll go back to being a Miss or Ms. instead of a Mrs.

If you are reading this, and I haven't talked to you in person or by email yet about it...I'm sorry. I meant to get this out in a slightly more personal way first. But I think I need to move on from this post and write some others. Maybe some with happier themes.










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Where to start?.....Hmmmm....

Where to even start this...since it's been three months. :P

But I guess sitting here (here being back at M&D's for the weekend dog sitting) I've been doing quite a bit of thinking. And realized I really needed to write some thoughts down.

So I guess I'll start with some updates. End of July through mid August saw me packing like a mad woman to move to my own place. It's a small one bedroom apt that I'm sharing with the middle dog of my pack and my cat. :) It's OK, but not exactly nice. It's in a bit of a rough area and the neighbors are...well...the phrase white trash comes to mind. But it was important to be out on my own again. I needed the independence and the time to be on my own.

The end of August and early September saw me starting school, meeting new people, and trying very hard to figure out what I truly want out of life. :( I really thought by my age, I'd already know. In some ways I feel like I've taken a 18 year hiatus. Which sounds really odd. But then again, I guess maybe I have.

One of my school books has an essay in it about a woman who was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who she describes as "emotionally and financially abusive." It was really hard reading for me. She could easily have been describing the past 14 years of my life with Curt. A new friend, Pat, also expressed some concerns when I was sharing about Curt. :( And due to some really odd problems with the phone system...I haven't been talking to Curt much this past month or so. And actually, it feels good. Which makes me more sure that things that others are seeing...maybe truer than what I've been seeing. Ouch.

So I've been trying this past month to figure out what that all meant for me for and Curt. And I think I've come to some conclusions. But they'll have to wait for now. I'm not really ready to share yet.

But I will share this...I've been doing a lot of research on emotional and financial abuse. And everything I read leads me back to the thought....this describes my relationship with Curt.
One web site had this list of things as a "check list to describe emotional/verbal abuse."

- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

- You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the center of attention;

- Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

12 statements. And I see Curt in 10 of them. Even now, even where he is, as powerless as he may seem...When I talk to him, visit him, spend time with him...these 10 things are soooo true. And I'm starting to not want to deal with them anymore. I am really becoming tired of these 10 things.

I tried, about a month ago, to bring up my feelings about just one of the ten. The manipulation one. Curt sat and listened....sort of. And when I was finished, he dismissed my feelings as not real. Asked how could I feel this way. Demanded I tell him, in detail, one time he was manipulative. When I insisted this was what I felt like, and described an incident in detail, he said he needed time to think about this. As he couldn't remember ever really trying to manipulate me. :( Then the next time we spoke, he decided that the manipulation must be a result of a mental illness in him. It wasn't his fault, he has faulty wiring. So now he is trying to get a psychiatrist to agree with him. It's all so over the top. He has never apologized for anything he has done to hurt me. And oddly, some of our closest friends, would never know any of the things he has done. They know nothing of the affairs, nothing of the sacrifices I made so he could have his many toys, nothing of the ways he would keep myfamily and friends at a distance. Nothing was overt, nothing was physical. And as it built up over the years....well, the frog in the boiling water comes to mind. You know that story...

If you throw a frog into boiling water, he will jump out, but if you increase the heat of the water slowly, he will get accustomed to the increasing heat and eventually get cooked. It's not like all 10 of these things were there right from the start. If that had been the case...I would have run away. But they increased slowly, and became worse, until the last few years....I forgot that there was any other way to live. :(

But I'm learning....

College updates

So I went to my orientation last Thursday night. Wow...how odd was that feeling? To be sitting in a college auditorium again after so many years (ummmm....yeah.....10? noooo...15? yeah...if we count Sr. year...I just make that!)

So exactly 18 years after starting....I'm returning. It was an odd feeling. Some of the people sitting around me looked like me....some were still youngsters. (yes, I know, I'm not that old...but sitting near a couple of 18-20 year olds, one of whom asked if I was there with my son or daughter, made me *feel* old!). Then it dawned on me...if I had had a child when I first met Curt....I *COULD* be taking the child to college....which means that a couple of my high school classmates who had kids when they were in high school....may be the parents in that room.

But on the positive side...got to meet a very cool professor. He helped found the college in 1971-1972. Yep...the college is the same age as me. :) He teaches a capstone class that i will probably have to take. And was able to get my ID. I feel so official now! And one of my favorite parts...although not on the schedule...was going through the art gallery in the library. they were having a display of mosiacs. Beautiful...and thought provoking.... (yep...another blog is on it's way....)

another month gone by...

and I didn't post.

So much going on that this was the thing to go. But it really needs to not be the thing to go. I really do need to express myself more in this way.

So, a quick update for those who may not know. Tried for and didn't get an apartment. I'm in the process of trying again. Have been formally accepted into Metro State. I have an email address there and everything! I go next week to take a math test on Tuesday. (Thanks Bob for the text book. It giving me a lot to study!) And then on Thursday, I sign up for classes, learn about the campus, and meet with an adviser. Work has been crazy! Normally you do maybe 1 or 2 annuals in a month....I've done 3 in the last 3 weeks...and 2 more are scheduled for this week! YIKES! 5 annuals in 4 weeks! But my boss has been great about giving me extra paperwork time so I can get it all done. So I am a happy camper at work!

Hard to believe an entire month can be reduced to a paragraph....lots more happened. Some happy (a wedding--a visit from a nephew), some sad (only one visit with Curt, changes in a relationship). It was an odd month to say the least. But I think...overall, it was good.

I feel stronger for having lived through it. And I think....I'll need that strength for July. ;)

This week--7 dogs, 6 more days, 5 overnight visitors, 4 days at home alone, 3 things i must remember to do with the pool, 2 cats, and 1 very tired human. And that is just at home!

Outside of home...5 days of work, 4 hours of meetings at college, 3 extra paperwork hours, 2 annual meetings, and the same 1 very tired human!

So for those of you who read this and pray...please ask God to give a bit of extra stamina this week. :)

And hopefully...as I'll be home a lot later this week....I'll be able to write again.

worry

So I am trying very hard not to worry....

about what will be decided about the apartment I've applied for....

about what I will do if turned down....

about some small, but nagging physical problems that I know I need to see my Dr. about, but can't find a time to do so...

about my continued mental health while living here with M&D

about my dogs' health due to their weight (problems caused by M)

and just this overall sense of dread I've been getting of late. :(

So for the few faithful readers of this....

Prayer would be greatly appreciated.

And if by chance you see me this week...and I'm looking a bit ragged....know you are not the reason. I am.

The Eucharist

So yes...this is becoming more and more a religious themed blog...deal with it. :)

But this past week has been an odd one. And one where the topic of the Eucharist keeps appearing. It's shown up in readings, in church service (Sunday was the feast of Corpus Christi), the music from the service, and just in talking with friends and family.

And Fr. F told the story of the boy and his dad out camping...Son wakes up in the middle of the night, wakes dad and asks what the stars are saying to him. Father starts to wax philosophical...talking about astronomy, theology. Then asks what they say to the son. Son replies.."They tell me someone stole our tent!"

Fr. F called this a "DUH" moment. And went on to say that as long time Catholics we need to remember that the Eucharist, while something we do each week and maybe not something we think much about, should be a DUH moment. A moment when we see it for all that it is. Our Savior, giving himself to us, to become a part of us, and we of Him. And yes, it's easy to just partake each week and not really think about it...but it is the obvious answer we must remember.

And last weekend...I was truly grateful for all the Eucharist had to give me. I really needed to hear again how this is the cornerstone of faith. That Jesus came down from heaven, by the power of the Holy Spirit, was born of a virgin and became a man. All so he could suffer, die and be buried and rise again to give us a chance at eternal life. Such perfect, amazing love.