Where to start?.....Hmmmm....

Where to even start this...since it's been three months. :P

But I guess sitting here (here being back at M&D's for the weekend dog sitting) I've been doing quite a bit of thinking. And realized I really needed to write some thoughts down.

So I guess I'll start with some updates. End of July through mid August saw me packing like a mad woman to move to my own place. It's a small one bedroom apt that I'm sharing with the middle dog of my pack and my cat. :) It's OK, but not exactly nice. It's in a bit of a rough area and the neighbors are...well...the phrase white trash comes to mind. But it was important to be out on my own again. I needed the independence and the time to be on my own.

The end of August and early September saw me starting school, meeting new people, and trying very hard to figure out what I truly want out of life. :( I really thought by my age, I'd already know. In some ways I feel like I've taken a 18 year hiatus. Which sounds really odd. But then again, I guess maybe I have.

One of my school books has an essay in it about a woman who was in a marriage for 10 years with a man who she describes as "emotionally and financially abusive." It was really hard reading for me. She could easily have been describing the past 14 years of my life with Curt. A new friend, Pat, also expressed some concerns when I was sharing about Curt. :( And due to some really odd problems with the phone system...I haven't been talking to Curt much this past month or so. And actually, it feels good. Which makes me more sure that things that others are seeing...maybe truer than what I've been seeing. Ouch.

So I've been trying this past month to figure out what that all meant for me for and Curt. And I think I've come to some conclusions. But they'll have to wait for now. I'm not really ready to share yet.

But I will share this...I've been doing a lot of research on emotional and financial abuse. And everything I read leads me back to the thought....this describes my relationship with Curt.
One web site had this list of things as a "check list to describe emotional/verbal abuse."

- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

- You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the center of attention;

- Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

12 statements. And I see Curt in 10 of them. Even now, even where he is, as powerless as he may seem...When I talk to him, visit him, spend time with him...these 10 things are soooo true. And I'm starting to not want to deal with them anymore. I am really becoming tired of these 10 things.

I tried, about a month ago, to bring up my feelings about just one of the ten. The manipulation one. Curt sat and listened....sort of. And when I was finished, he dismissed my feelings as not real. Asked how could I feel this way. Demanded I tell him, in detail, one time he was manipulative. When I insisted this was what I felt like, and described an incident in detail, he said he needed time to think about this. As he couldn't remember ever really trying to manipulate me. :( Then the next time we spoke, he decided that the manipulation must be a result of a mental illness in him. It wasn't his fault, he has faulty wiring. So now he is trying to get a psychiatrist to agree with him. It's all so over the top. He has never apologized for anything he has done to hurt me. And oddly, some of our closest friends, would never know any of the things he has done. They know nothing of the affairs, nothing of the sacrifices I made so he could have his many toys, nothing of the ways he would keep myfamily and friends at a distance. Nothing was overt, nothing was physical. And as it built up over the years....well, the frog in the boiling water comes to mind. You know that story...

If you throw a frog into boiling water, he will jump out, but if you increase the heat of the water slowly, he will get accustomed to the increasing heat and eventually get cooked. It's not like all 10 of these things were there right from the start. If that had been the case...I would have run away. But they increased slowly, and became worse, until the last few years....I forgot that there was any other way to live. :(

But I'm learning....