It has been suggested that I write this out. :( I'm not sure if I want to, but it will probably be good for me. I think I'll use the list from the last post to kind of talk my way through this post as a way of organizing my thoughts.
They always put their needs before yours. Gee...let me see...4 no 5 affairs, more time spent waiting for him to pick me up due to his activities being more important than my time than I care to think about, his swords/art/guitars needing to be up on the walls where people could see them regardless of what others thought, while my things went up if we had room. Feels like it's not so important, but 14 years of this every day, even now, when he wants me to do things for him, even when I am so busy I don't have time to write in this or do what I want...
You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them. Yeah...kind of self explainatory. And no, it was not Curt's temper I feared. He could ususally manage that. Although hearing him say under his breath "Dad said it was never ok to hit a woman", did give me pause sometimes. Mostly though, it was his sulks. He would go into a funk anytime he didn't get his way. And life would just be miserable around him. Still can be.
They never take responsibility for hurting others; again, a bit... obvious? But even in small things, Curt would never accept responsibility. He would be in charge of paying bills, buy a toy instead, hurting us....and never apologize even if i found out. He would rationalize it away, but never truly be sorry. It was hard to keep forgiving when the mistake got made over and over and over. :(
They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions. Too many years of having few if any friends. And when I did have friends, it was always because they were married to or dating Curt's friends. Any other friends...there was never enough time for. I don't think I even want to go into my family here. The times he made me feel bad for wanting to spend time with them, for making him spend time with them. It's been a hard thing. My family is hard enough to deal with without any outside intervention.
They blame everyone and everything else for unfortunate events in their lives. They perceive themselves as marytrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment. Yeah...this would be the last few years of my life. But even before...it was never Curt's fault when he was laid off/fired from a job, it was never his fault for anthing bad that happened. The last time I tried to talk to Curt about how I was feeling, he blamed the way he treats me on bad wiring in his head. I just wanted an apology. Some feeling of remorse. Some indication that he knows the bad things in his life are his fault. But I don't think he'll ever feel this way.
Manipulating you into feeling guilty over things that have nothing to do with you. Gee...this one, goes back to before Curt. So much so that I tend to appologize before I even try to explain my side of anything. But just as a confirmation of this...last month...Curt started talking of forgiveness with me. Lecturing me on forgiveness even. He started by asking if I thought some people in our lives need to ask for my forgiveness for things they have done to hurt me. And some I would like to have ask, others I know will never ask and others I don't think need to ask. Then he brought up someone who, if she knew what I did, would be right in demanding an apology and that I should ask hartily for forgiveness. Needless to say, in the situation he was describing, this person will never know that I've been a cause for her pain. The only reason Curt had to bring this up again was to make me feel guilty again. He knows I've been to confession regarding this, he knows it is a closed subject. But regardless, he still brings it up anytime he can.
I've been working on this off and on for a month now.....and I know I have made some decisions. It's been a rough month. Not one I want to repeat anytime soon. I know I am not the only person who has ever made this decision. I know how I'm feeling is not new. But to me....even the thought of not being married to the same person forever....feels wrong. Yet as I look at the things that have happened lately...I know that within the next few months, I'll go back to being a Miss or Ms. instead of a Mrs.
If you are reading this, and I haven't talked to you in person or by email yet about it...I'm sorry. I meant to get this out in a slightly more personal way first. But I think I need to move on from this post and write some others. Maybe some with happier themes.
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